the her
Lena Laney
I think over the moon.
Food pleases me, big time.
I love the arts, and am a massive bookworm.
I harbor absolutely no interest in ordinary people.
I'm irrational, and loving it.
Your painfully average dozen-in-a-street girl.
Keeping a distance of 10 metres would be wise.
Turning 21 on 23dec.
♥Laneyminnie
Hi, I just decided fifteen mins ago,
I will blog at a new space. Ok? Okay.
This place is too.. wacky weird already.
all a jumbled mess of the past that I've already decided to bury/burn/let slide/whatever.
now its just for keepsake purposes(yeah, right.) or maybe for when i'm feeling really sentimental or the world has run out of coherent thoughts(Not.) or I just wanna see how retarded-ly childish I was.
You tell me, who wouldn't wanna leave a significant mark of their own in the world?
Well you see, Lena isn't that lena anymore. I hope it'll be that obvious, at least.
a month ago I decided henceforth I'll be plating her with ten-tonne armor and hiding her away from you poison faced suckers, and I'm getting there.
(this entire will never show herself to ye who she deem unworthy, yeah, as if anyone cares, haha)
Ok time to stop talking to myself.
so, summary of the above; I have decided to start anew, iron-clad this time, since its 2014 and all, after much much harrowing preparatory work that consumed most part of end quarter 2013.
And pretty importantly,
as you can see, I've unwittingly demonstrated in the past few paragraphs - or posts even, that I have a tendency to lean towards cryptic psychopath and complete bambooza - at times leaving even myself scratching my head in confusion. I really hope to relieve everyone of this.
since i've been using this "laneyminnie"( ?? don't ask me why) since forever, here goes; www.Laneyminnie.blogspot.sg
No promises, but I hope I'll update more often & seem more normal-uninstitutionalized-individual-like over there( who am I kidding ). BYE!
Ever so often I remind myself through the hard way that I tend to let things get ahead of myself,
I set up the perfect sky-high stage to fall from disappointment.
yup, I put myself down, on my own, no thanks to anyone else, really.
perhaps it was that proximity, or that heart-warming knowing smile, well,
no, its just that i've perhaps found another to met that standard I was hankering for. (Or THINK i have wtf)
well anw from what i can remember typing last night, (i did not go back to read it),
that just goes to show that blogging at the wee hours is 80% irratic nonsense and 20% impulsive thoughts.
and if it makes things any better, today morning's is ten percent less nonsensical.
no, you can't know what anyone else is really thinking, ever. stop thinking, lena.
the question right now should really be, what am i waiting for?
Now, a single wing has emerged, from this cocoon I've so tightly enclosed all the pieces.
It looks so darn beautiful, i hope what's about to emerge shortly will be ten times as brilliant,
then every bit of this tremendous effort undertaken will be well worth it.
Yes, the painting's ready, the last strokes set and the armor will be so perfect.
It's no longer her you know, that's for sure.
I have no choice but to look forward from what I've already done, and embrace this brighter side borne from the dirt and darkness.
Something's shining so bright, maybe from miles away, but I can feel the warmth.
Finally, after so long, something has been given to me that made feel happy being awake.
from passenger's Let Her Go - "only know you've been high when you're feelin' low." you have no idea how much this means to me.
Getting agitated at small things, overly concerned and apologetic over small mistakes and commiting alot of blunders left right centre, no idea what to do. confused and holding everything back. Literally being blown about by the winds, how am I to make a rational decision this way?
The job interview i cancelled? Going to it later today, got a super last minute call that stopped what every plan I had wtf. plus, I'm working later?
December 3, my dream was... a simple sign that i'm waiting for things to happen. -.-
how do you decide that something is what you wanna do for life?
what if you suddenly regret your decision? I've got so many things i wanna do, that they are all pild up in a bottleneck and getting in the way of one another, that I'm left at a loss and sit here everyday contemplating and busting my brains thinking of a way out. I know I shouldnt be doing this, but this rut i'm stuck in, somehow became my comfort zone. As with the habit of turning to food, I'm the perfect epitome of 'emotional eating' And well,non-emotional eating included in the package.. gah.
will go for a run today, I don't care. slept so late yesterday but woke up a few hours after, I need to be getting more sleep...
Spent a good half of my day doing nothing but eating, and dreading the tasks I have to do ahead of me, and actually cancelling one of them- the job interview.
Said i'd collect my wallet at 12pm but I'm still at home now, prolly gonna reach at 3-4pm wtf. Then i'll head down to JZ to work. Till closing. Ain't looking forward to it, because all i can imagine is people looking at me judging me(I dont even know for what?) and because I'll be sleeping late and I hate the prospect that so much food is around me i'll have difficulty controlling again. Well, in any case its the same at home.
Yes I'm pretty messed up.
I need to go for a run tomorrow, seriously.
its been going round and round in my head, why i'm avoiding all possible human contact.. what would I say if someone asked me 'are you ok?' 'what are you doing now?' 'What are you gonna do in the future?' I have no idea what to answer to all of that, at all. Its true, i've been asked that so many times the last week, and every single time, its a completely different answer, I even managed to confuse my colleagues on what I'll be doing after I leave work, as the answers were so varied and different, they became suspicious, and that simply resulted in alot more questions.. I haven't sorted it out in my head, how am I gonna reply? And I would be afraid that if I attempt to do so, an overwhelming torrent of words will come out because the reasons are so tangled together, I cant say something without the entire truth spilling out. And what is the truth?
Ended my full time job and decided that i'm gonna work on myself this month. I don't know what the hell am I doing,or have been doing this past year.
It's time I stopped hating, abusing this body and life i'm leading, and move somewhere, anywhere..
It's the First of december, 2013.
These past few months, I have been spiraling downwards, till someone(a bloody shrink, yes.) adruptly opened my eyes and all of a sudden I found that I had gradually descended into such a dark and desolate place, I wonder how I even stayed here unknowingly for such a period of time. But after thinking it through, its was not much of a surprise, for something like this to happen to me, was simply inconceivable - due to my ego and what i don't know.
I feel like I have no sense of the passing of time at all, looking at the world through a wall of glass, and right now december is merely a name for this time period i'm in. although it pretty much signifies that I've not completed any of my goals, and that time is really running short, and that i'd have been treading on this planet for a full 20 years soon, I can't bring myself to feel, or care, about anything at all.
The last time I remember feeling something at all, it was in September? Its all so numb, I've never felt like this before. And try as i might, I cant make myself view life with a positive outlook, because right now, all i can picture in front of me is so bleak and grey, it seems like i'm gradually walking towards the edge of a endlessly deep chasm, and when I fall in, I am sure to lose all hope of ever resurfacing. Run as I might, every step, every move I make, every short burst of strength that's all I can manage right now, to bring me away from this, somehow just makes me end up closer and closer to the edge each time, my efforts shattered to smithereens, mostly by the work of no other but my own hands. I do not know why or how I got here, but may this be a start, for me to speak and record. To lay out the confusion and mess I've gotten tangled in.
I will start by clearing my life up, brushing the dusty corners, discarding anything nonessential, and basically shedding this old skin that has already rotted away on me..
ran a 10K at standard chartered today,
lost my wallet but a kind bus uncle is gonna return it to me tomorrow, thank god.
part time job mon-fri on all days, I seriously wanted to sleep early... what am I doing?
And telling people to eat whatever they want is…well, it’s incredibly controversial.
It’s just not done.
You know why I think it’s controversial? Not just because we live in a culture that’s messed-up, food-wise, but because we, as a culture, seem to take the worst possible view of human nature.
Let me explain.
It should come as no surprise to anyone reading here that our culture views food as a moral issue. A potentially dangerous moral issue. And, setting aside the very-interesting-but-not-to-be-had-right-now discussion of ethical and religious foodways, food just…isn’t.
Food isn’t moral. It’s not immoral, either. It’s morally neutral.
But, sadly, we live in a time and a place where it seems Twinkies = Eternal Damnation. (Notice, here, how the supposed moral value of food pretty snugly overlaps its supposed nutritional value. This is not a coincidence.) And we tend to take the most pessimistic view of human nature.
So, when I say “Adult human beings are allowed to eat whatever, and however much they want,” what people actually hear is: “GO OUT AND CRAM YOUR FACE WITH BAD, BAD TWINKIES!!!!!!”
I’m here to plead with you on this: first of all, people aren’t stupid. Please stop thinking that — it’s unkind and incorrect. Also, Twinkies aren’t bad. Even if they were, they couldn’t make you bad by association.
You know what else? This may come as a huge surprise, but if you’re willing to let go of those negative assumptions about human nature for one second, you might realize that pretty much no one wants to eat that way, anyhow.* Or not for long.
We’re animals, which means we’re pretty highly motivated to stay alive. We want to stay alive, okay? Which means means:
We want to be healthy.
We want to eat food that’s good for us.
Those desires, being tied to the ultimate desire — to survive — are pretty damn strong.
But you know what we want more than either of these? To be free. To not be told what to do. To not be bossed around as though we are perennially six years old. To not be manipulated, coerced, or condescended to.
Being un-free is a fate worse than death to an animal. It means either you will be killed, or you will be tortured and then killed, or your entire life and all of your efforts will be used exclusively in the service of someone else’s desires. And that service is probably going to be pretty unpleasant and continue indefinitely, until you die (see: tortured and then killed.)
Ever wonder why animals are willing to gnaw their legs off to get out of a trap? Why prisoners are willing to risk death in order to escape?
We’re all sensitive to threats to our freedom, even if, practically speaking, those threats don’t seem as bad as being trapped or imprisoned. We’re able to detect the merest whiff of a threat to our freedom, and we respond appropriately. To a strong and imminent threat, we’ll fight to the death. To a threat that’s just a whisper of a shadow of a threat, we’ll dig in our heels a little bit. Stop listening. Roll our eyes and take a step backward. Procrastinate.
In the case of rewards and punishments used to induce certain behaviours, there’s a distinct manipulation at work. Freedom is taken by force or given up willingly in exchange for some savoury reward. But, either way, it is lost, whether you gave it, or it was taken from you.
I won’t go off on my whole long tangent about intrinsic motivation again, except to say: there is a body of research showing that humans acting under the threat of punishment or the promise of reward do sub-par work.
Whether that work is solving puzzles or learning information or exercising and eating well, the fact that an external, overriding consequence is actually the driving force behind the behaviour — rather than one’s own intrinsic desire — means that that behaviour is not actually free. It is coerced and manipulated and induced.
And going through the motions in order to reach the carrot or escape the stick actually takes something away from the benefit of those motions.
Exercising to lose weight makes fitness not as fun or useful.
Eating to lose weight makes nutrition not as fun or useful.
And, when things are not fun (meaning, intrinsically rewarding), it’s pretty much guaranteed that you will stop doing them, rendering your time “on the wagon” pretty much a loss. Because you’ll lose whatever long-term, intrinsic benefits might have come from doing those things voluntarily.
Besides which, who wants to ride a shitty wagon that keeps throwing you off? You’re better off on foot. (Maybe rollerskates.)
So, when I say “Eat food. Stuff you like. As much as you want,” I don’t believe you’ll dive into a vat of Twinkies. Or, if you do, it’s only going to be to see what it would be like to dive into a vat of Twinkies.
I trust that you’ll climb your way out again.**
The bottom line is — freedom is important. In fact, it’s necessary. Without it, you can’t sustain anything that’s supposed to be good for you. Therefore, freedom is good for you.
And because I believe humans are reasonable beings who care about their own health and survival, I trust you to decide what you eat.
What if you’re not reasonable, and don’t care about your own well-being? Well then, my friends, not only is it still not my place to tell you what to do — telling you what to do wouldn’t fucking work in the first place.
Readers have been clamouring a bit for me to just tell them how to eat already.And while, yes, I have a very specific training and a very specific set of beliefs about how to approach food, my first job is to clear the slate, set aside all therules we’ve been handed about food, and establish a foundation of trust — trust that I am not going to take away your freedom, or your food, even when I have suggestions about what might be a good thing to try.
Trust that, ultimately, you’re the one who must decide what to do.
So, in the service of that, I offer you this:
Eat food. Stuff you like. As much as you want.
Far from being irresponsible, this is, in fact, the only unsolicited advice anyone has any business to offer another person.
And until you’ve accepted it as your irrevocable right as a human being, my opinions on nutrition don’t really matter much.
*Barring some kind of underlying medical condition or eating disorder, in which case a weight-loss diet is the last thing you need, anyhow.
**Perhaps with some assistance — which wouldn’t come in the form of a diet.
Haven't been updating for months though I have been and will continue to be on the laptop practically 9 hours everyday. whuuuuut izz up...
I'll tell you what's up.
I'm still stuck in 2012.
for real.
No new year resolutions,
set a few minor ones and set some huge ones that i'm supposed do, just for the sake of it.
& I've been acting on none of them, not a single freaking one.
On the contrary, I've been acting the exact opposite. Its as if I'm trying to be an absolute asshole to myself and overthrow all my aspirations. oh yes, aspirations. If the aforementioned alter ego exists, she sure succeeded.
See me three months ago, see me now.
absolutely no increase in anything except for loser-ishness. Everything else decreased. and I mean seriously literally everything. well, maybe except for my weight. what the bloody fuck is wrong with that.
I might just be the only person on earth whose food intake is indirectly proportional to weight gain. and willpower inversely proportional to success rate. so now I try lose a few kg and drive myself hopping crazy with an obsession of food to boot.
I can safely say, right now. Nothing on earth can compare to food. Not cheer, not boyfriend, not even books.
Its as if my loosely set new year resolution to lose weight drove my alter ego on hyper alert mode and injected me with this disease where I will for not one single fucking minute or second of the day NOT think about food. Now everything in the world seems edible. I'll literally store any food like a crazed squirrel.
I'm serious. I even ate beef balls yesterday.
I usually get nauseous even smelling it from ten feet away. wtf. what the fucking fuck.
and that's not even the whole story.
The stress. the mind numbing poke-a-fork-in-my-head-and twist-my-brains-like-spaghetti stress.
I can't even start on that.
When I don't eat I think about eating ALL THE TIME, but when I eat I get so guilty and stressed and wanna run off the cliff and smash my godforsaken frame on the rocks.
Every single fucking day is a mental breakdown. I am bipolar and crazed and prone to go into hysterical mania when it comes to food, even boyfriend realized. I would analyze what other people eat and obsess about calories and portions and timings and the nutrition and labels and proteins and fats and still end up eating more than I would on a normal freaking day because my body's like, Wow, you're gonna control your food intake now? you sure you gonna give up this food? or that? Or all these? and then promptly go into perpetual hunger mode where I am NEVER full no matter how much I eat. My alter ego simply cut off my I'm-full and I'm-damn-full-can-you-stop-asking-me-to-eat and Look-at-your-darn-tummy-its-tripling-in-size-stop-EATING signals sending nerve. Shredded them to atoms more like it.
As a result, here comes the spectacular food binges. So I'm like, I shall not eat those pineapple tarts. Then my brain does a double take; you're sure? And posts a mental picture of how it tastes like until I cant even walk straight and I end up stuffing ten into my mouth. and then feel so godawful guilty that I can't even.. I am not not not kidding!
Can you feel my torture? I can't get out of it, I don't know how on earth am I gonna get out of it. As long as I think about food at all it will all start over.
Oh and you may say I excercise alot and blah blah will burn it off blah blah blah.
I, Lena ng, have gotten so lazy, I don't even bother to get off that hypothetical couch to pick up the hypothetical gloves to freaking hypothetically dig up my motivation and all related things that fueled me to do my personal PT in the very distant past. That's how bad I am. I don't know what happened.
Compare me three months ago, I am fat, completely grey and discolored and with rotten teeth and wispy half-fallen hair now. Just picture it. or don't.
And you'll know by now. The past me will never write such things. I had much more confidence. C'mon. It shows. in everything i've been doing. Even things I've been most confident in I'll be like, what if this happens? and I get very afraid to do it. Well, I suspect my alter ego also shredded all my other nerves, perhaps even my keep-yourself-sane and I-love-myself ones. She's totally like, why not do it in a package?
Ravaged, Beaten
Trodden on, Sickened
Degraded, utterly Plundered
Wronged ,gone awry
Maligned, battered, bruised, lesions galore
But no, you ain't seen the last of me yet.
Even the most resilient of mosses need the slightest wink of sunlight to live on,
but where's that goddamned break in the clouds i'm looking for..?
It wasn't just the floor boards, it's the entire bloody facade.
They ain't fucking kidding about things getting tougher.
Will things change for the better? Because its all I need to start again.
Another thing for me to get out of my chest before I plop back into bed in defeat from this fucked up morning.
Jolted out of bed at 9:20am, by a friggin telephone call for a interview in school on such short notice its in half an hour's time.
And good lord she could chide me for still being in bed when I had something so important on..
but can someone please tell me; who on earth checks their email at 2:41am?! (the email regarding the interview was sent at that ungodly time)
So I had completely no idea of the reporting time because I don't freakin check my email in the middle of the night! of course its my fault again, "please remember to check your email." they said.
Full formal attire, full make-up and hair must be impeccably done and I must be there by 9:55am. At a place where I've never even heard properly before I hung up and rushed my preparations.
And thank heavens the school's so close to my house so cabbing didn't take 10 mins.
Arrived on time, and you really have no idea how great a feat that was for me to pull off, literally broke all my standing records with time to spare!
alighted at TRCC, I vaguely remembered the caller saying RPC which I've never in my life heard before, so I called to say I reached, and yay I was in the wrong location, "RPC is OSC, you didn't know?" in a tone suggesting I had a walnut for a brain.
Okay so I went for the interview, But of course not before repeated warnings at the door that i'd better explain myself for not waking up early.
Okay so enter a flustered, subdued and completely unprepared me, facing three formal ladies from corporate communications, I kept zoning out every few seconds as they talked and talked to me, thank god they were understanding and I knew I won't be giving a very good first impression.
So I emerged from the room with a lighter heart.
and here comes the second chapter,
Decided to go to the library and borrow books, borrowed 9 in total and was waiting for the bus at the interchange when I was oh so wantonly assaulted.
I'd seen the woman many times before, overweight, excessively gross build up of eye booger and wearing home clothes. she asked me for money as usual, and I regretted giving her a few dollars for the past few times as she is perfectly capable of working and I don't get why does she not do so, she would rather go along the line in the interchange, asking for money from people ambushed between metal bars. I noticed the amounts she was asking for boldly increased with time too.
so she appeared from behind today, asking the same question, I told her I didn't have change, and she continued down the line as usual, targeting the rest, I was first in line waiting for the bus and in the first row, she was in the second row which had noone except for her, the third row had a few people too.
I resumed reading my book, listening to her in the background. Alot of people ignored her and told her they had no money too, till a skeptic malay woman gave her a dollar, and from her tone scarcely believing her story she had no money for the bus home, she then asked for ten dollars, the malay girl refused, then silence.
Out of nowhere, I felt a fist whack into the back of my head with a scream from her, and it sent me sprawling to the railings in front of me, I am not fucking kidding, so of course I whipped back, startled. The woman hit me?!
She was glaring at me like I murdered her family, she started wailing and yelling at me, saying she does not have money and she hates people like me who have money and still don't wanna give her, say her mother doesn't want her and the like. And y'know what? she is freaking bilingual! she kept switching between chinese and english all the while yelling at me. as if she wanted to make sure everyone in the crowd that was gathering understand I was being mean and a big bully.
So I moved away and stood there awkwardly, looking at her, bewildered, back of my head throbbing from the blow, when she suddenly made a grab at me and pushed me again, and this time the ahma beside me pulled me back and kept saying 'ahmithaba' in a calming manner to the woman. I would have laughed had I been in a different situation.
An auntie behind asked me if I knew her and I said I don't, she made space for me and asked me to move further in to avoid the woman while she stood there sniffing and tearing and glaring at me like I was the one who hit her.
A minute later the bus arrived, I was afraid to walk forward as it meant I had to pass in front of her, and I did so sticking to the bar, putting as much space between us as possible, everyone behind me filed past her warily too.
I boarded the bus and sat beside the auntie who protected me, thankful I had someone to talk to. and the whole time the tearing woman never took her eyes off me, I stared back uneasily, there was once she walked to the door and wanted to board the bus and the auntie and I were like 'oh shit oh shit oh shit.' haha!
The doors finally closed after everyone boarded, and her narrowed eyes followed me even as the bus drove off. damn creepy!
now, at that point of time after the day's events I was still in a pretty neutral mood. I wasn't condemning the goddamn world for anything, accepting it as it all came along, but I had to go and share my summarized story, and got a response I instantly flared up like a spark in a coal mine.
Here I am, deliberately assaulted and antagonized with ZERO provocation, she should already thank her stars I didn't reciprocate, and now I'm being accused of what? I don't know, does it help my mood that I've only had about 4 hours of sleep? Nope, it certainly doesn't.
I got mad mad mad, and minutes later news arrived that my interview got accepted (yay.. er?), on a side note; I am not gonna receive a single cent for 45 hours of work every week.
asked to double-confirm, they replied with a 'yes no money unfortunately.'
so okay, that took the breath out of me, it sure did. That was the last last last straw.
yeah, and then my Modus operandi when i'm stressed? OD on chocolate. exactly what I did immediately, chocolate MnMs, choco chip muffin, choco pocky, and chocolate pillows, all in an hour. Strange how I loathe chocolate usually but I'd stuff my face with it when I'm in a foul mood.
what an adventerous day, huh. and its only just started yo. that's why I'm suspecting whether everyone was in cahoots to cook me over, its internatinal flip lena day! mentally, physically, morally then mentally again. hmm, wait there's something missing, socially.
alright, don't worry I'm gonna be doing that myself now. goodbye!
Well something was bound to give, and the floor collapsed today because the whole time, rot was already spreading beneath insidiously, can't you see it was only a matter of which fissure cracked first?
But there's one thing we can be sure of, it won't ever be the same no more.
Telling myself not to care, but I find myself on a stress food-binge and blasting music into my ears. Hoping to drown out the voice at the back of my head warning me I'm very close to it too, and another one way further back, so soft now its almost mute, always questioning, questioning me how I am living so sordidly.
And peppering it up nicely would be -what else- but select surreptitious thoughts?
This slope is suretreacherous.
so like I previously asked, how do you go on?
lol I just realized how I'm so freaking used to typing cryptic and even manage to rant cryptically wtf.
How to keep pushing and going when all you ever wanted just lost its meaning? Where do you go when you have no idea where are you headed? How to walk on with purpose when there is no clear destination? Tell me, what would you do?
so I decided i'm ready to collate something too and yayyy, here you go!! ^^
Pics taken periodically over this period of 5 months, mostly after instructed/voluntary workouts at home, heh.
Only thought of taking pictures starting june 25th, which explains the lack of pics. :S .
I think I jumbled up the first few, but its roughly the same month na..
And stop looking at my bloated tummies!
They are the sad results on I-wish-I-could-say-rare few days of overeating. :/
just go look at the bottom four k heheh
family thought I'd gone crazy when I kept spam taking pics of my abdomen few days back- but hey! its not everyday you wake up having those glorious squares on your tummy okay! some more I realized it a lil' too late - only when i was changing to go out after having breakfast! :(
I feel so like-a-finally 有没有. Thou the whole process would've been much speedier and bore nicer results if I had dieted. I still eat like a freaking pig with tapeworms in its tummy. >:/
but still. I'm lovin' ma current body. ;P
And I got this enchanting sport of cheer to thank. :* ♥
I.. have no idea what to think.. don't even mention doing anything.
you successfully confuse me when I thought I got you all figured out. :/
Internship's starting in two days, I hope things change for the better.
cheer's been awesome, and really gonna work to keep at this pace.
get me past these two son of a drag days please.
'looking back I realized that even then, I was like an opium eater, drawn to the source of woe, heedless of its ill-effects, and mindful only of the brief ecstatic sweetness it might offer, whose boundaries were only those of my imagination.' . Time to wake up, though I had only just closed my eyes and fallen asleep.
'Have you ever had the experience, dear reader, of waking every morning obsessed by the same thought? A thought which nags at you all day, and will not relinquish its grip even as you drift to sleep, but worms deeper into your psyche, manifesting itself in the most disturbing dreams?' such was the tenacity of my urge.. of I don't know what now. do I?
Seriously, you got to hit harder than that to leave me something more than a bruise. But I'll just revel in your attention for now shan't I?
I am working pretty hard, admittedly not a hundred lucid percent, but that's just uncontrollable.
Sleeping enough these days rendered redbull completely useless but my mind still feels woozy with intermittent dizzy spells, damnn.
And i'm very broke righ now, I've been eating sooo much into my savings, can't wait till internship comes so i'll get some income, wait, I don't want internship to come so soon, life's gonna suck when it does. or will it?
Yeah I'm spewing all my incoherent thoughts all over the place i don't care.
Sigh, had this stupid nightmare last night that felt sooo... real. Dreamt of being rejected, and the scenes kinda mixed with yesterday and I don't know which parts are real or not. Anyone can be strong physically, all they have to do is train up and let nature take its course. but mentally, how do you define being strong there? You launch me an assault of a hundred bullets and I may be able to shun them or take a few hits, but throw me a few mindfucks and see me collapse down on the ground screaming in agony. I don't want to be that way, but I can't really help it can't i? Mind, you've been my maker, but you're my destroyer too.. :\
Self-control. The only thing that I have no idea whether I have alot of, or scarcely none at all.
maybe its this lack of it that's got me wavering for so many weeks on end,
or maybe its because I have this huuuge amount of it that I haven't got swept away already.
All I know is that I'm being torn apart and I have absolutely no idea what to do, so this cognitive dissonance is gonna kill me gradually till I find a solution to it. Nothing feels right without huge consequences and repercussions.
I'm lost, and trapped like a bird stuck in a net. It's simply a matter of time before I'm taken away by the hunter, or die of thirst and hunger being stuck for too long.
On a more comprehensive note, today was our first perf with legacy, the whole day turned out to be pretty 'meh', so many things we didn't expect, and I'm disappointed at my incompetence and complacency. But what's happened has happened, I believe everyone sort of learnt a lesson too. Don't worry about me, I'll just come back stronger after I fall. :)
But it was the most horrible experience for me(esp on my conscience) to perform with scaled-down stunts just because I wasn't competent enough thou, especially when you know that it is what you really really want and gave it all you got. I honestly feel this rarely in my life, and it is really mixing badly with my sky-high ego, haha.
And argh, I don't bruise easily, but its the first time in my life I have so many bruises man, all over my body! abrasions, blood clots, blue-blacks and the like. Felt so dizzy and had serious vertigo too many times today, all since that knock on my head! :( sigh. It really sucks to know you aren't as strong as you thought you were..
They (*amended because reasons) were there too, saw so many familiar faces, but unfamiliar expressions on them. Sort of cutting, don't you think so? I hold nothing against all that have been said in the past nor in the recent even, yes i know most of them, but don't worry, most of them are so untrue that time will prove you wrong in itself.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can't touch me. heh
And next, my diet. I really need to reach the tomorrow in 'I will start dieting tmr' sometime. :/ damn!
No cmon don't you break down just yet, so many more larger harder challenges oncoming and you know you're excited to face em conquer em, you'll just miss them if you keep your eyes closed in fear babe.
you wanna let them know, that they broke you down so quick so simply like snapping a twig when you're the size of a tree trunk? you're much much bigger, you're so sturdy, they may cut you saw you down but they can't break your heart nor touch your soul.
yeah step right back up, one push at you you'd better take one step or none backward, cause you're still gonna run and restart always, even when you're forced to stop you push through grit your teeth and break through, clear your mind and start again, find your feet and jump again.
but and know that everytime you break through you showed them this is what can't break you and you're stronger than the last challenge.
You can feel the burn, but don't let it in, hear the shouts, but don't listen to em, taste the fear, cause when you're over it, triumph comes in all its glory. hee, so gonna show you what I got. :)
I try real hard so I leave no regrets and disappoint no one.
I'm only gonna have a few more years to do what I love, before age catches up, so why waste my time when I can push myself to see how far I can go?
not only to prove a point, not only to show other people what they've missed, but I wouldn't want to wake up five years later and think of now with regrets on why didn't I give my all when I still could.
I am not good, but rest assured i'll try my best and push myself on my own.
I am not fearless, I have more fears than you can see with the naked eye, but it's ultimately my choice on whether I wanna let it stop me, I'm working on it, I really am.
It is still stopping me, but that's just human, I'm vulnerable, I make mistakes, but it's not an excuse, because I should be able do what someone else can do, for that person's human too.
My ego's high as the Himalayas, but it serves as my push factor, and though its annoying sometimes, please bear with me, because I will wake up on my own in time and stop being such a snob. heh
So I just wanna say, I love cheer, I love the feeling of being in the air more and more each passing training, I love being in a team and working hard together as a group. I love seeing myself improve and get stronger.
I'm making sacrifices too, so imma just make full use of all the time we gave up and turn it into something productive, to prepare for the showdown next year.
I honestly cannot wait for the war to start,
the tiny battles we'll fight through the months and then the final battle, where we'll show the world who legacy really is. Our comeback. And I wanna be able to say proudly, that i'm a part of it.
So sorry i haven't been updating for almost three months! so overwhelmed with work and school and training!
Yes, I have been sucked back into the irresistible sport of cheerleading again, and boy did I miss it.
All the odds were against me, but I cast them all out of the window.
Ever since school started I was already struggling with both that and work, but, I forced cheer into my schedule and since then I haven't had a day completely free of anything.
so.. to keep sane, I have gone to the point of no return- I quit work starting this month, haha!
yes i'll be financially strapped but its just as well; I have to stop eating fast food and junks already. :(
so now i'll talk about this crazy exciting, adrenaline rushing, heart pounding, pushing and panting, teeth gritting, squeezing and locking, unique one-and-only love, cheer.
I am in the honeymoon stage, i guess, thinking about it all of the time, merely the thought of it can perk me up on a sleepy day, and I am glad I am slowly seeing improvement in myself, though I am still far from ideal..
I am close to 3 months old in legacy all stars, and I know that I am one of the weakest links, the limiting factor, but believe me that I will work hard, believe me that I will prove my worth and I'll repair it, one crack at a time.
It's the only thing I can do now, before my body gets too old for this and before life's many obligations catches up. Even during then, I doubt i'll give it up easily anyway. :P
Its the only passion that ever burned with such ferocity for me in my whole life and I am ready to make sacrifices.
till then!
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Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.- Einstien.
I am on my way, to find my place. :)
"In Lisbeth's eyes Cammilla was insincere, corrupt and manipulative. But it was Lisbeth Salander whom society had declared incompetent." - the girl who played with fire, stieg larsson.
I've been reading a lot these days. And I realized, even within books, there is no escaping the Game.
The Game? It is what I feel like I was born into this world for, very similar to the fight for survival, only the context and rules are completely different. but even the fight for survival has taken on new terms and is now intertwined with the Game.
It is no longer so much about who can plant the most crops and have the most livestock. It is interlaced with who makes the best of relationships with others and ensures that you are safe from being attacked and having your land forcibly taken over - which is the game I'm talking about.
And the people playing? They are like psychopathic vultures. Waiting patiently on the eaves the moment you start tottering, with gleaming eyes that never lose focus for a second though they may make you think they did, sharpening their claws behind their wings while they scheme and plot, and the moment you fall to the ground in a heap, they are poised to strike, as the last of your breath escapes you, they swoop down and peck your bones clean to your very last substance.
That, from my point of view, is not in any way attractive, even in the position of the vulture, which I am sure many people will relish. I have definitely met a few of them in my time, and I have died so horribly, so many times, I wish I was never born.
And I have never known the reason why it happens to me. Throughout the years, so many events chipped my interpersonal intelligence away, bit by bit, proving my every single advance in making it work to no avail, until I all but threw it out of the window and shut myself from harm. But I do know the reason now- it is the Game at work.
The Game is invisible, but global, encompasses all living organisms, only playing on different levels. It has unspoken basic rules which most figure out early in their lives, and those that figure out the more complex rules and find shortcuts round them fare the best. It also partially has to do with luck, if you made a lucky choice/are born in a lucky place, you may find yourself in the middle of the game, with all the players looking up to you. You can see it's very dense in politics, big or small.
You can see it has been in play for as long as it is wide, even back in 1066-1072- normady's invasion of germany, norman duke william the conqueror operated on 'kill or be killed', of course, right now this attitude is an SOP of military combat in every nation and ideology.
It is very, very, scary (take it from me) for the minority within the minority who does not want to have anything to do with the Game.
So how did I come to know of it? It literally came to me in an epiphany when I saw a picture that bf showed me yesterday, I saw this high-playing vulture, staring at me out of the picture, smiling with innocent eyes which to me might as well be hooded and glittering. I told bf outright- 'what if.. there are people who don't want to play the Game?' he regarded me with a lot of questions marks lol!
Alas, it is too late. I am 19 years in the going and still only has a vague idea of the game, I can see it from the outside, the blood thirstiness that is only held back by the law, and thus I've portrayed them as scavengers instead of predators. But we all know some of you would kill if you could, wouldn't you? :) I've learnt to beware of even a hatchling, they're the ones who wouldn't let a morsel pass.
I totally understand now, how people say being an extrovert is a protection in itself. but sadly I cannot bring myself to do it, and I am still floundering, seeking help with nothing to tell if the person I turn to isn't going to swallow me whole. This goes back biologically to natural selection, I know.
Society, oh how I hate this word and all it stands for. Because it is most twisted and warped on the inside but there's this huge facade where we are all holding up, showing everyone that it is loving and perfect. ha.
here my rant ends. On days like these I really see that my dreams of living in simplicity on a wild countryside or sea is utterly impossible. sighs.
I'll try to catch up with the going-ons last few weeks and it'll be peppered with what else but my camwhores. :)
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Random day breakfast I whipped up! kinda failed at the sausages part but the omelette is always awesome k!! we've been throwing away 3/4 of the yolks and thanks to wong I'm not used to eating that much yolk now. :(
And next of course, bf's birthday! how can i put this.. I'm not one for regrets, but this may be one of the few things i'll regret for ages to come.
Looks like Dr. Wong, you wish! haha!
Designed the cake and was pretty happy with it, I made sure I kept it so damn level and chilled asmuch as possible that something had to go wrong to tell me i didnt do enough;
tadahhhh!
I dropped it after 4 hours of keeping it safe and sound, seriously! brought it to work and just because of a jerk in the mrt otw to his house. :'( #fmlttm
But I still am glad that at least it didn't simply split into half like the titanic.
The all-expecting idiot predicted we would come, thus ruining his surprise, damn!
But i'll admit it, i'm a horrible organiser, compared to what he did for my birthday i feel like i really let him down.. :(
Well anyway we spent that day's celebration pretty toned down..
But the next morning, I cooked some spaghetti so it wasn't that bad la righttttt..
In the evening we went to a indo-chinese buffet restaurant with a few of his friends,
saw these little flags in the parking lot, reminded me of a castle and its turrets haha!
lol live soccer match right outside the window while we eat!
I finished this whole fish by myself!!!! *proud*
I must say, the food's pretty good, I kept forgetting to take pictures and here you go, most of them are of half-finished food haha!
okay end.
spamming my camwhores :P
and btw school's starting so so soon I don't even have time to freak out.
rahhhhh all five days of school and i'm supposed to report to school at 8am every wednesday! I'll never be early for that lesson fml..
Today's sunday, the first day of the four that i took off from work, damn straight i'm super happy! :P
Tsu-chan released her album under alias 'milky bunny' already!!!!!
and yes i am so slow that i found out only today.
damn i've been totally ignoring the gyaru world for i think a few months already!
dear kyary is still as cute as ever, and kumiko's still as awesome. all is still well i guess. I miss those crazy days when i did what ever i wanted with my Long hair. sigh!
i'll update again with pics like.. tomorrow? bye!
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My dear gyaru mama queen.
and kyary's new video, can't get enough of her cuteness!
As i mentioned in a last post or something, I went to my uncle's wedding, almost two weeks ago, and my role in it was pretty important as I was the... wedding photographer!!!!
Yeah, but i didn't do a good job i think, i didn't even post the videos up damn it.
so anyway, I'm blogging about it because there are pictures i didn't put on facebook.
somewhere in the afternoon the day before the official wedding, we went to decorate the 'wedding car'!
the boutique, the dresses are all so so gorgeous!! I had a heated argument with my cousin on which one was the nicest, and we were deciding so many they're all awesome, lol!
This is the most princessy one among them, look at the bottom! they have gemstones and sequins embedded int he mesh, damn nice right! you can click on it to zoom. but its from this horrid angle because look at the shadow- its my little cousin taking it, i'm sitting in the background lolol.
we had fun fooling around in the backdrops!
whoohoo look a 4 angle view of my face! haha!
but pardon my shagged face I was virtually without makeup..
sooo..
early in the morning the next day,
a pretty jovial groom.
My shirt was oversized and it made me look bloated, :(
and dear bf was with me too! :)
My grandma's home grown cabbages! ha! betcha didnt know the plant of cabbages looked like this right!
the picture on the top has one already harvested and the other sitting and waiting..
I'd bet uncomfortably, haha!
we went to fetch the bride, this is her house! damn they have seven cars and a sprawling huge lawn, they use it for parking, though, lol!
There was a darling little kitteh!!!! I went nuts over it but the rest asked me to focus on the couple. :(
Back to our place~ and doing the tea thing.
And the rest are pretty self-explanatory.
My eldest brother with his childishly cute girlfriend! can you believe she's 26?!
Ohhh balloon face, :(
i kept noticing my face looks bloated in the pictures, and then i realised its because of my parting, I changed it right on the day of the wedding. Ikr, who does that?!
the result was a very awkward hairdo which enlarged my face considerably. sigh.
<3 <3
surprised at the small toast and cake..
after it ended, a semi-complete shot of our huge family!!
All under my grandma, and even so this is about 3/4 only, :S!
after that we went for ktv, all the way till 3am before we went for supper!
le princessa
What did i tell you about my fringe? rahh! putting up the only two pictures of me from the ktv in which one is extremely unflattering. :/
tell me this doesnt look very distorted.
haha! this picture has a long story behind it! before i snapped it, the little cousin in pink was hoarding the microphone the whole night, which resulted in them getting another room specifically for the kids because their ears couldnt take anymore kids yelling into the microphone and interrupting/spoiling every single song.
So the kids' room was a super hyped up one which only a few dared enter, we ended up with three adults.
The uncle that's sleeping, He woke up and chided me for taking the picture anyway.
He fell asleep waiting for his son which the kids keep pushing to the back, LOL. I do applaud him for managing the feat amongst the din though.
and the supper after that!
Waiting for the food! all pretty worn out by now.
This picture is damn heartwarming, My two loves in the world together! everyone knows i dote on the kid the most but he's really mischievous,no , that word doesn't even sufficiently describe him. at 4am he was still jumping around like he just woke up, lol!
Foood!
okay end. I shall talk about what's up with me now.
and of course, with vain self-shots. :P
Lets see, two days ago i went to the cheerleading nationals, and then the last week and the coming week is all work! :/
I went to the gym yesterday, glad to find out that my flexibility is still not bad after a year of stagnancy! ha! I still managed a mean scorpion!
And yeah, I changed my parting ever since the wedding so these pictures aren't even current.
School is starting soon, I don't know what i think about that, though, since life's pretty repetitive now.
But i do know I have to chiong my CE points because i wont be able to graduate of i dont.
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