Of Flowers and Honey Bees.

“and here goes my story.”

turning.

Jan 31, 2010 || 6:18 PM

taking a turn for the worse.
feeling extremely uncomfortable now.

. Scribbled at 6:18 PM |

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....

Jan 30, 2010 || 12:24 AM

no one but no one could know nor feel.
but oh how i wish,
i wish i could halve this with that somebody - who's taking its own sweet time to come into my life/to change.

. Scribbled at 12:24 AM |

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...

Jan 29, 2010 || 10:58 PM

i officially name myself as the most buddha-like person in the world.

well,temperament-wise at least.(no not the ears!!=[[ )

CAUSE I SERIOUSLY NEED IT AND MUCH MUCH MORE TO KEEP ON ENDURING!

Enduring what? you ask.

oh,nothing much.

just stuffs in work and my family.

Especially the latter, i would like to add.

i dont want to complain, cause it reminds me of being like somebody.

who is the source of my problems.

and with parents like mine who dosent want additional trouble(trouble?or responsibility?) from anywhere,

they simply gloss over everything.

even when the most ludicrous facts are presented to them right before their very eyes,

they just treat it like it was a passing breeze.

so what do i do?

its been months.

yes,i'd admit that i lose my do hold on this barrel of mine.

but can anyone understand its all gonna get to a irreversible point someday.

no.they only wish to wait it out and hope that things turn out to be fine like what i am now.

they're wrong.

DEAD wrong.(we've been brought up different, Big-Time ,for mary's sake!)

you know why?

cause this barrel of hers could only entertain this one grain before it ignites another roaring frenzy.

with me straight in the path, nonetheless.

i could understand that,i mean, where else can she vent?

things i long to do, i hold back,

even to the very last of my strength,which is running so low its starting to hurt already.

yet she dosent care.no, she could just leave,she believes that.and they arent doing anything to correct her either,even when they tell me that they will do something about it.come on,if the words you speak equals to waving arms at a fly to chase it away,please inform me throughly on which should i heed and which should i take as one of the above; easily said, easily forgotten. i understand tht she dosent understand.these invaluable assets ; loving, cherishing and caring do not exist in her life, neither in her vocabulary.if they did, it is in ant portions that are easily overlooked.

i cannot think of an end to the events these few years.they are already startlingly innumerable.Yet no one is to blame.it is the way she has been brought up.

they dont understand.it is now or never.it WILL become irreversible.

oh she really could leave,

when she does, my parents dont do anything.thinking its just another storm that would blow itself out quickly.yes she is safe, since it is a relative and the location is relatively close.

but are all these morally right?

do i have the right to question these nagging feelings i get?

i do not want to feel that way.

i have no right to be jealous or obstinate or throwing tantrums,

do i?

well look,they dont feel anything, it dosent mean i wont.

not when i am caught in the centre of it, no.

they think i should give in (is that word even appropriate?!)

they tell me that everytime when i run to them crying.

and boy do i heed their advice.

sure it douses the fire quick,

but the searing pain everytime isn't forgotten.no.

so i say.

why even create a family when you let us and yourselves suffer too?

is it pure ignorance?i cant stand it any longer.i need help.now.oh god

its not about me, no, it includes me and everyone around me.

we're all bound to get affected somehow,

we're supposed to cherish and love generously,

but somehow things aren't going right,

is this the way a normal family would function?

what with malice and utter contempt?

is this how we have to live?

not in harmony,but simply putting up with one another for the sake of a roof over our heads,

is that what we are supposed to do now then?

i cant be holding out this long,

not that i don't want to,

its the only thing that's keeping me there,

i really cant.

because it seems that i am the only one who is visibly trying,

yes i know, they care,

oh,they do it in like heaps and stacks,

and i do feel grateful for that.

but i cant help but spot those gaping holes in our relationships.

am i dealing with a malfuntioning family?

what am i supposed to do?

no words can describe these feelings that i am going through these days.

its just like something's furiously tearing away at me,

why am i holding out then, i ask myself,

i think the answer is love.i do not understand it,i shun it,

but since it hurts so,(oh boy it does so harrowingly!)

i cannot dismiss its presence..right?

someone please put an end to this.

i do not wish to think of myself as helpless and weak, but its a fact that i am trapped in this ongoing drama, with these terrible feelings gnawing at me constantly..

i do not wish to wait it out.

i do not see hope on the horizon.

help.

. Scribbled at 10:58 PM |

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lalalas

|| 12:16 AM

hey im back!after a 0.8 day hiatus! muahahaha just kidding.
im eating the ready-to eat egg they sell at 7-11 and it rocks kay.(im treating it as a meal..dinner..supper.okay pick your choice.ots my third egg anw,im the morning i ate two hard boileds for a pathetic breakfast --),though a little heavy on the wallet.
not that i have anything in there anw.
thats right.
IM BROKE.no cash whatsoever.a few cents yes.but what do you expect me to buy?!lollipops?
well theres 49.79 dollars in my bank account right now and i cant do anything but salivate at it because i cant take it out!!!!!!so WTF right.

...
see my new hair??cut it myself kay!OK i've mentioned it a nillion times but still....

LOL.dont ask.

oh!im going to republic poly btw.
to the new course.
i seriously dk what to feel.
that i CMI or extremely relieved.
={
work's been horrible.terrible.irritable.whateverble.
sighs.
at least i'll be gg soon.but what will i do next?
seriously considering an re-interview at causeway point's branch.
but feels so evil and whatever im reconsidering it.
see my dilemma?!
im not good with ppl and never will.
though my nails say that i will hold a position of extreme power later on in my life.FTW lols.
dang,gotta get going.xxicshadowx awaits.faey and aiox await.LOL kidding im just going to bathe lah!
waves*

. Scribbled at 12:16 AM |

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mamma mia

Jan 27, 2010 || 6:22 AM

oh great.my hair's finally dry and its 6.23am.may i ask whats the use of sleeping for half an hour?
i might not even wake up.--
oops.mummy just came out and told me i'll surely get censured by dad.--
she was supposed to be sleeping.LOL

just now when i was bathing she suddenly came up to the door and asked me if i was crazy taking a bath at this ungodly hour.and she thought i just woke up or sth! lmao
well i guess sometimes a white lie wouldnt hurt.BUT she found out eventually,like 3 seconds later..
....
cause she suddenly remembered i worked till late ytd night. ahahaha..*moment of silence...
anw the long and short of the conversation was that she counldnt take it anymore im sixteen and cant continue to put my poor health at stake like what i am doing now.(omg she knows i dont drink water?!)and the conclusion was she asked me to quit at 10 feb OR ELSE.
YES 10 feb.
cut my head off now.
...
HOW ON EARTH AM I GONNA SUMMON THE GUTS TO GO MENTION IT TO MY MANAGER AGAIN?!
okay im gna continue with the 'or else'.
or else she'll send my dad to speak to her.
wtf imagine that.it will be like two worlds colliding haha NOT.
fine whatever.* jumps around and pulls hair out

fiona went to school already at 5.40 she was sleeping like a pig like 1 hour ago LOL.

lmao shh dont tell her.

OK.an update on what happened in the time elapsed btween my last post and this.
a few hours.to be exact.
after i published the post,i looked up the post in my blog,
saw lixing's tag,clicked her link,
and spent the next few hours surfing for updates on my schoolmates life.
the things people get up to these days..=___=
okay fine im jealous okay.
some people are seriously getting along on fast forward in all departments,
while me....
....
even i dont know what the heck is wrong with me.
ask me a question and i might answer it exactly the way i would last year.
whilst they,they even talk different. looks wayyyyy different too.
its like riverside was a school for nurturing stars.
because thats the way i look at them now,seeing stars.
a million stars.
i wonder and admire and aspire to be like them-but its all too far away.
a distant diamond sky.
sighs.makes me think what kind of life im leading now.
it seriously sucks when you compare and find yourself dull and worthless.

aw,brighten up!i wont think of those things right now that im running on null hours of snore.
its almost seven but why isnt the sky getting brighter?=/
okay im dog tired like majorly.ugh.im squinting at the screen.=S
thinking of the 5 hours of work before me makes me queasy.
well i cant puke anw i havent eaten anything for like 10hours?WTF.
lols my words are jumbled up im in such a hurry to get over and done with the things i wna say.
crepes and doughnuts.
mummy's kp-ing me again.say i xin ruan,say how am i going to get through work later.(i dont care i hope i make a mistake like spilling boiling water all over the customers so i get sacked muahahaha.)

Hey!=[.its not as easy as she says ehs.
like say quit then quit etc.--
its not that easy.
like i said before its about politics and im a major loser at that!!!!
grahhhh.
okay i shall stop elaborating on this infuriating topic and get on with what i wanted to say which is i have no determination whatsoever regarding my motives and things i set out to do which is EVERYTHING.=__________=
Yes.thats why life's been grey and robotic for me.well it goes by quick but you'll never catch me not wondering what am i doing with my life right now.
you see,no motivation =no determination well for me anyway.
dont get my point?(arghh im getting nagged at right this very moment about not sleeping.thanks alot mum. X[[[ )
i mean the goal i set for myself to sleep before 12am.guess what?i've never been able to fulfil that 99% of the time like literally.such nice satisfaction.its been getting worse lately im sleeping at 5am nowadays and i've officially hit an all time low by not sleeping AT ALL haha.not funny.--
then i find myself dreading work and meeting people.YES meeting people inc relatives if im not careful i might just turn anti-social+laconic and thats byebye to lena or lane already.
(now my dad's scolding me threatening to rip down the shop if i dont resign quick.SEE?!?!always thinks the world revolves around him somehow.what are they getting so keyed up about anyway roars.)
did i say i'll get off these depressing topics?
yes i did.
then i have nothing to say.
...
...
...
BYE LAH.off to put on my mask and WORK UGH.

. Scribbled at 6:22 AM |

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wishes upon the moon.

|| 1:50 AM

NO.no no no no.
ugh. i hate replying to these useless yet irritatingly common questions.
or rather, that one question.
dont mind me,im having a relapse.
whatever.

sigh.im hungrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry.
no shops're open at this time i just got home and im rotting over here!!!
NOT.the last part,i mean.
im reaaaaaaaly thirsty but the only water available right now is boiling hot water.
ahahaha.not funny.-____-
gosh,my hair's not well recieved manszcxcxsxz.=[
ah well, i'll wait for it to grow back.
in like 2763858 days.
yeah.damn that hairdresser i hate the ludicrous hairstyle $#*%#^$*^#$.
i can NEVER make my signs look like swear words,no matter how hard i try.arghs.
...
nownownow,what was i going to do?
oh yes,go and bathe!
which is what i am zipping off to do now byebye.

LOL.-,-

. Scribbled at 1:50 AM |

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stinkooo!

Jan 25, 2010 || 3:40 PM

time flies when you're having fun.
...
IT SURE DOES ITS MONDAY NOW!!!!
ugh!ugh!ughhh!
whilst im eating my steaming hot fishball noodles over here,
im dreading the rest of this week and the prospect of doing my hair(AGAIN) later on.
i cut my hair myself ytd.the back,i mean.now its considerably shorter and uglier.
while my mum cut my fringe.its better but definitely not nice and obstinately wouldnt settle the way i want it to.grumps.
why's the world so unfair?!
rcv-ed my schedule ytd,
want me to show you my schedule?
the first msg was:
wed:10-3
thur:10-3
fri:10.30-3
sat:10-4
then i was feeling so happy and floaty about it when BAM,the next one showed SLIGHT changes.
tues:6-10.30
wed:10-3
thurs:10-10.30
fri:10.30-3
sat:10-4
all of them am to pm.-____-
...
Hey!
im not doing some easy job where you stand there feeding ppl false information like oh its the best product we have here i use it everyday its veryveryvery good! NO.
nor am i staring at the clothes rack waiting for customers to walk in so i can run over with a fake smile plastered all over my face saying please take a look at our wares! to a grouchy-faced ahmah.NO.
hello,im doing ardous tasks like having to memorise the menus AND their ingredients AND their jap names And getting scolded for not remembering them And running around carrying a big heavy tray loaded with food in EACH hand And faking enthusiasm at serving dumb ppl And washing dirty tablecloths And sweeping the floor And clearing tables And getting my hands soaked in bleach And etcetc.
...
all of the above for a measly sum of $6/hr.mind you!
makes me wish i was back in school.
why dont you quit then? you ask,
look, heres the crux part of it all; i cant quit.
its not that i dont want to,duh.
its about politics when it comes to this.
and i hate those mental games that i suck at.
so, when i get outta there, god forbid that in any future i'll have anything to do with that industry.seriously.
how am i gna get out of there?dont ask.
if i knew i would be typing a very happy post right now about how fun work was today and how my hair would rock your socks off.
...
naaaa,just messing with you.

okay.rave's over.sighs.let me get to finishing my now-cold fishball noodles then.
*waves

. Scribbled at 3:40 PM |

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fearless

Jan 23, 2010 || 10:35 PM

Well im not fearless.
im afraid of ghosts and spiders and bad hair days.
you kinda cant be unafraid of everything,
y'know.

even i dont get the point of these.
back to playing games!
tatas~

. Scribbled at 10:35 PM |

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MEOW

|| 1:15 AM

Lalalas!
i revamped my hair today!
went blonder.=X
the fringe suck and my hair's very dry.=[
*curses.
anw.mummy's gna help me cut it on sunday.
dont know why i even went down to the salon.

my face is omgftw$*%-ly scary anw.
Seriously, Gah.
stewpid brother of mine,
started playing runescape.
what else could i do?
follow suit luhs!

which is why i am here in the dead of the night finishing off my to-do-list.
Which i swore to complete every now and then.(HAHA)
all thanks to that stupid quest!
was walking around in circles and much to my frustration the place i was looking for was right under my nose.OK.character's nose.
...
ppl like me shouldnt play games like this..NOT.

im gg to continue no matter what you yell at me!!*hums and shakes head violently to block out noise*

okay.think this post should be long enough already.
is it?
is it?
is it?
it is?
serious?
Really?
reallllly?
ahaha!can liao uhs.
Okay.im going to sleep already since i have finished my todolist-or rather,half of it-and have typed such a long post with long paragraphs and long words and long sentences and etc. im seeing double already.
Waves~

neaaaaaaa these are from long ago just figured i'd like to spice up the post a lil.

okay whatever.

. Scribbled at 1:15 AM |

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potions and curses

Jan 21, 2010 || 4:30 PM

uarghhhh!
guess what?
im a extremely terribly horribly woefully everything the evilest person in the world!
say what?
Yes,
plus the extremely terribly horribly woefully everything the evilest person in the world just pounded away two neopets!!!*OOOOOOO!*
Gee.
she even went to the heinous extent of stripping away all customisation!
i'd go to hell for this..
felt so bad lah! sure im gonna wallow in my own guilt for days on end now.
...
i have a conscience okay!

OK.
big deal.
should stop playing neopets ehs.
anw finished the plot today.
EXTREMELY time-consuming one okay.
thought i got some faboo prize,
seesh.={
734676523984341843487 more ppl have already finished before me,i realised later.
wtfff.
Back to business.im still on the same page;
i havent done my hairrrrrr!
i havent organised my stuffffff!
i havent started my portfoliooooooo!
its THURSDAY.omgftw
i havent done anything, basically.(well, 'least im into operaaaa these days..NOT.)
and that includes going to ntuc to buy groceries for tonight.
which is a harrowingly ridiculous task.
which i am going to commit now.
which will take away half my life.NOT.

Waves*

. Scribbled at 4:30 PM |

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BOO!

Jan 18, 2010 || 11:05 PM

heyyyyyyyyy!
took the whole week off from work.
result of overbearing laziness.
todays the first day and its almost over.
considering the fact that i conjured a whole list of things to settle during my break,
i'd better get my butt moving.
sighh.
finished 'splurgin' the money in my bank account.
well,i had to pay the utilities and give my parents 100bucks each,
its no surprise im running out of it..
>__________________<

..
anw,going to do my hair tomorrow,thus its byebye to ye ole lena and aloha to another image! Faboo~
=S.
oya, have to get some music for my blog and uploads photos horh.
AND WHEN DID IMEEM GO UNDER MYSPACE?!?!
just got the shock of my life lah.
no wonder the music stopped in my old blog -template,to be precise.
a lil late to be realising that,in any case..
..
so im gonna break my bad streak of not-sleeping-bef-2 today!Hooray!
while ughh,simply thinking of the things i have to do makes me shudder.
can't leave them alone in a peace of mind though..Z.

so BYE!
---update---
Figured i break my streak tomorrow cause' its 2.37 am now.__
ARGHHHH

. Scribbled at 11:05 PM |

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Disorganisation.

Jan 16, 2010 || 1:17 AM

time seems to crush into a unclear scramble.

I don't know what happened today,
nor what happened today was today.
Every thing's a mess,that's for sure.
all my procrastinated things and unpacked stuff doesn't exactly help.
I don't know what to do with me,her,they and these.
UGHHH.
just realised its year 2010.

hooray.talk about resolutions,

i dont have any to speak of.
i'm still dealing with the past.
I'm clearly out of alot of situations,

speaking of resolutions,

looks like my dad dosent have it too,

since he's not any better. -_-

FINE.i'll go write down whatever i have to do and want to do etc.
but i've already done that.
okay,i'll go write a note to remind me to look.
-_____-

Nevermind.next week i have a whole fat 7 days off.

probably'll be playing games all through.-.-
someone get me off neopets,for zeus' sake.
point a gun at me or something, y'know.
sighs~

wish i could get access to the old photos in yo olde hard disc.>___<how?i dont know to move forward or to give up.
why isnt there a guide or whatever for this sort of thing?
and how do people even get together?
how can you be sure at all?
how does yahui score that many=X?
It is fascinating how i can't figure that out.
and i thought i was one of the best persons i knew.
NAH!Kidding!
everything's wrong.nah.i'm wrong.

Kay.enough between the two of me.
gotta go snore.
anw,it 3.10 am alr.
WTF?!

. Scribbled at 1:17 AM |

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Vunderful

Jan 15, 2010 || 3:03 AM

okay i look fugly.XP.so?So?SO?!

with ada at prom!=D

painting our room.excuse the major unglam pose.

Prom!

these are ramdomlr selected piccys from 2009,updated in this post on 30/1/2010.

OKAY.i know.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lena's back on the long-dead blog!
Faboo.
Hey!=[
At least i did spend considerable hours of my precious shut-eye on this kay!
Alright. 8 hours,tops.
Z.
A brief update on my questionably exciting and colourful life ;

♦ was and am working at ichban(At IMM,of all places.),reporting at 10am 2mr,=X
♦ dyed my hair and gna change that real soon.
♦ been spamming on my make-up
♦ recieved my results for the O's..GAH
♦ just completed the registration for the 12 poly courses,
♦ submitted,6 courses were from RP.Oh great.
♦ But my first was hastily changed to SP's,no thanks to a relative.•>____<•.~OK.sorry!
♦ constantly forgot to drink water for the last whole month,means alot-to me.Xþ
♦ unwillingly wielding (and continuing) the record of 3 weeks of not sleeping before 2am.=[
♦ going to be sick-i can feel it in my bones.=[[
♦ Still looking for that person.=[[[

Im alr staring bleary-eyed at the screen.
gotta go hit the bunk.
toodles~

. Scribbled at 3:03 AM |

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