“and here goes my story.”

September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 February 2013 June 2013 December 2013 January 2014

face it, me.
what i bargained for, only looked that way,
taken for granted and played with,
in the end, its still nobody's place, except for her only.
well, i know it, i hoped, but deep down i do know,
i should've ditched the false hopes and came clean with myself.
now it would be so hard to walk out of life, something i face so regularly.
well, i caught myself, now its time to pay for the consequenses.
i know she wont make it any easier for me either,
but i feel up to a challenge.
now put me up to it, both of you.
i'll show you i can even win myself.
-
training wasnt tough like expected, but guard still aint gna be let down,
tts quite all since im gna scoot off to bathe then to bed,
hopefully my brain would stop functioning as im dying from thinking too much alr.
well, ciao.

i'll live like im dying,
i'll take every moment,
i'll never stop trying,
i'll remember its all up to me,
i'll use whats been given to me.
i'll be livin' my life.
-
an oath would be too permanent a move,
well i'll simply remember.
Today,
i'll start with the wee hours,
reached home 12.30 am,
locked the door then packed my stuff,
felt so washed out i had to lie down and close my eyes for a while,
well, no surprise what i did next,
i lay down on the floor beside my bed (too dirty for the bed) and slept,
light on and everything, yeah.
woke up with a start at 3+ am,
went to bathe,
didnt bother to blow my hair fully dry -since when did i?- and went back to sleep,
woke up at 8 by my stupid alarm,
turned it off and slipped back to oblivion until 1.30pm,
where i woke up coughing sneezing and sniffing my life's worth away,
seemed like i officially had flu, i realised.
went out to brush my teeth and stuff, daddy bought noodles and hotdog for me, so i had it as my brunch, finished, ate my cough and flu med,
went back to rest, think i fell asleep msging,
woken up at 6+ by my mum's exclamation that i had a high fever,
she just came back from work and was shocked i was sleeping cause i almost never took afternoon naps in my whole life,heh,
well so i climbed out of bed unwillingly to take panadol,
but i couldnt go back to sleep, so i sat on the bed and stared at the wall,
wondering what i could do,
i wanted to do some stretching but my legs just wouldnt move,
it was until then i realised just how sick i am,
i really am weak, arent i?
hereby im listing out the sicknesses i managed to cram in my body this past week;
fever, headache, flu, cough, running/stuffed nose, sore inflamed throat, body/muscle aches, sneezing fits galore.
hell, they're so killin me!
okay,
so now i turned on my com and started msning and blogging.
guess i wont be able to sleep early anw, hah.
-
theres training tomorrow!
im going to get well by tomorrow and get skinned again, heh.
well, until then!

你走向前，我看不见你的思念,
我知道，勉强拥有，不是属于,
你和我之间，刻着一条界线，不曾有改变,
在这时候，只能对我说，笑下去,
就像个过客，再空等，也不值得。
自己绊倒了自己，能相信，有多好？
仿佛缠着线，解不开的，只能用硬的，
那种痛，你能了解吗？
-
no use getting so keyed up over a small matter, lena.
it shouldnt be one soon, anyway.
three moons ago there aint nothin' that could have shaken me,
so what now?
oh, i know- study!!!!!
time to mug or imma goner.
well, seeya then.

First thing;
Yog's over!
no more performances with thick glittery eyeshadow,
hoarse shouting and cheering,
stressed up faces,
sleeping on the bus,
rushed warmed ups,
crazy laughter,
waking up early in the morning,
hanging out late,
making a fool out of ourselfs,
sleeping at 3 am,
feeling happy/sad together,
cheering for both boring and interesting matches,
having meals together,
getting censured together, etc.
Went through all these and now it feels like a dream,
its all over in a blink of an eye,
but of course, i picked up a few things along the way,
including some new bonds,
some considerable amount of experience,
some stupid sickness,
learnt and lost alot,
Now everything's going to turn back to normal,
trainings will resume,
its time to wake up and get stronger,
after i recover, that is.
setting my goals soon, jiayou. =]
-
Next thing,
life's been very busy and i havent been studying!
im gna commit at least one hour of studying everyday from now on,
or i'll flunk my ut then its game over, heh.
There was so many things i wanted to say but right now they're forgotten.
theres training later on!
gotta prepare now, bye!

With absolutely nothing to hold on to, for what period of time can we hang in there?
the slash across the table, seared.
-
dont know what is tired anymore.
i dont respect myself already, it seems.
gymming tomorrow, know i will be lazy and stuffs,
might not even appear for it, well theres always the partially true excuse that im broke.=/
spent alot on food today, but since when had i not?
uncontrollable's my middle name!
but poor daddy, i spend so little time with him yet he gives me so much whenever i need it.
well, i'll call amanda at 12.15 and then we'll decide.
i'll take a bath first.
-
S officially split with me today.
i cant say i have any grudges/emotions whatsoever.
its all so numb alr.
my mind feels like its stuffed with fluff now.
maybe life will get better, but i aint betting much on that.

ARGH.
one word, madness.
thats enough explanation on its own.
-
hellos, you've strayed so far away i dont know how to approach you anymore.
-
Went to suntec today,
spent alottttt againnnnnnn! T___T
didnt bring my phone out at all even though i had it replaced,
how clever.
i feel like i've been hit over the head a thousand times now,
cant think sraight,
shall get to bed and let the conflicting emotions raging in me buy the farm themselves.
oh well.

talk to the hand, people!
-
hold on, hold on!
you.=]

Saw your older stuffs,
realised im still different after all,
WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE THE OPPOSITE OF OTHERS!
well it proves im special at least,
but its definitely more of a liability now that i've come to think of it.
wake up my ideas, grab a hold and ride on, yeah?
literally did nothing today, procastination dominates.
well, i'll paint my nails right before i go to sleep,
and maybe study a 'lil , read a 'lil...
one more thing,
MY PHONE IS SPOILT!
that the thing about touchscreens, once the touching function fails you can kiss everything goodbye.
sigh me. =/
now i dont know what i have to do 2mrww!

think, lena.
you're an incoherent leaf in the wind.
laugh and act jovially as much as you can, it wont change this fact.
The feeling never goes away, you know?
-
yous,will you cut it out? your laughter is getting annoying.
-
had macdonalds today after training,
almost laughed my guts out at the jokers, heh.
training itself was great,
no favourite part, though.
at this one part i felt as if my right ankle was on fire- literally.
but one thing's for sure, imma have a free day to meeself tmrw!
time to do some maintenance and catch up with myself,
i've been neglecting myself so much recently that i might have to do a heart-to-heart talk with myself soon.
.
i'll be a happy girl soon. =]
i dont know what to do, rejection is lapping at my feet.
guess i'll have to hold on.

For starters, i locked myself outta my house.
not for the first time or even close to it,
but all i had was myself today,
got in with some bamboo sticks and a broom,
not gonna go into details 'case you break into my house, HAH
Anw, woke up today at almost 11!
slept around 10 hours with frequent breaks in between, especially the one at the ungodly 4am where i woke up finding myself in a sitting position in front of my laptop.(was typing out a post.) I seriously am getting worse.
if this carries on,one day im just gna drop dead without even knowing why. =/

Aye, my body clock is totally screwed and i am experiencing zonk-outs almost every night now.
gotta hold on first, hopefully after all teh Yog performances i'll return to normal, as much as possible with ye olde trainings, at least.
grace would tell you, i've been crazier and more sudden than the weather recently, heh.

Brought my brother to school, cooked my infamous macdonalds meal for him, hahahaha
okay, i forgot what i wanted to update, so im just gonna go off now. BYE! ♥

no one's complaining, so why should i?
got to stop all these,
these blaming and hating,
its not right, lena.
you arent helping me much either,
though i cant understand you at times,
i wonder if i really ever did before,
theres this new divide im contemplating.
who are you?
-
girl, you have too many things that you're missing,
you cant expect things to come to you,
grab them and hang on while you can,
cause all too soon these will end,
dont go outta your way to spite people, kay?
i feel you, so im not saying anything.
I dont wna judge, but i find us similiar- we both have a terrible character.
i want you back, i mean it. =]
smile, kay?
-
Them.
ugh.ugh.
To yous,
hey, i dont know what you want from me.
but i can see, you're all so lame.
-
Yog today!
today passed in a blur,
chockfull of stuff, but its an 'as usual' already,
looks like i finally got a life.
so,harassed start to the day,
woke up early- too early,
rushed through my morning routines,
forgot my phone, left it on my bed again,
went upstairs to retrieve it, totally missing the shorts i was gna change into after performance.
well, bought one at flea inevitably, then bought a few more things, ugh.
cause i dont have enough $$ for food alr.
though, i have this really nice pair of earrings (ribbony!♥) and this winged necklace, gna edit the necklace before i wear it out, though.

okay, back to morning,
daddy fetched me to scape,
kinda lost our way as hes the same road-dummy as me,
alighted, got a bad kick-off to my meeting with rexaz. i should've known better,
i will get a bigger heart, like he taught me,
i wont let this black face of mine show 'nymore, know?
fell down during warm-up, so embarassing!
but whats funny's that my only injury's a blueblack on ma finger,
i didnt relinquish my chances to remind amanda that constantly, too, hahahah!
well, performance was so sudden but it went asu though i expect it must've been quite a sight-and not the good one either!
And when i thought it was all over those wretched organisers actually planned for us to cheer the bball team on till nobody could stand it, heh,
after everything and the shopping at flea in scape,
amanda,grace dickie and me went to this really cramped room to watch monsters vs aliens, and hell it was so cold my toes were about to drop off!
played around, and went home.
well thats the gist of it.
p.s - im actually updating half of this on monday, cause i fell asleep sitting at my laptop and its 4am in the morning when i woke up. tsk.

i dont knowwwwwwww!
i dont know whats happening to me,
i dont know how long can i hang in there,
i dont know what will happen in the future,
i dont know even know me!
lena, please wake up asap before things get even more out of hand.
you have your sanity to account to, do remember.
-
Now for the material world,
things arent in a better state too.
I cant wait for the performances and the rehearsals to come,
yet i want it all to be over now,
all i know is that i havent slept for two days but i can still jump around like usual if not more.
Maybe im running on adrenaline, but, i've a feeling this tank's gna be emptied soon.
been feeling like im in a trance quite often now,
plus the headaches are turning into migraines.
argh, bye.

hello,
im here to talk about the smell, the SMELL.
i dont know whose perfume or w/e is it,
but it darn brought back the feeling.
this feeling i havent felt in a while.
now in craving to see him, how!?
its been lingering around me since this morning,
in the class, i think,
stop haunting me, or i'll haunt you back!
=[

Sometimes i wonder.
what should we do to be totally in peace?
i dont need much, just that things are in sucha turmoil recently,
im alr so sick of being a leaf in the wind,
so tired of pasting pasted smiles.
well, maybe i still havent gotten back my equilibrium,
teetering on the edge, yet i cant pull myself back,
i dont know what to show and what to hide,
to what extent should i believe and who to believe,
-
i dont know what you want from me,
it seems like im on 24/7 pms mode these days.
you arent helping me that much either.
ah well.

Tomorrow's gna be a longlong day,
hang in there! ^^
-
today,
all perspiration and pain was worth it,
cause we did it!
little glitches nevertheless, it was wonderful enough!
we'll do even better tomorrow.
-
i took a step towards you.
you did not back away.
=]

There aint much difference,
since i dont know how long, i've been fogging through the days,
i neglect myself and the people around me,
sometimes i wonder at what i am doing.
-
Today was a considerably woolly day,
but we finished our routine which was quite a feat for me! (considering my expertise).
Had a nice steamboat session with a quarter of rexaz people including coach,
and well, i guess it really is different.
im not going to say what i want since i found out something that repulsed me ttm.
sometimes i think too much, but sometimes reality is really that way.
so yeah, thanks for another lesson which served to remind me how cruel people can be.
-
dry run tomorrow, cant feel any excitement,but at least no sweaty palms from nervousness. =D
it'll come tomorrow anyway, heh.
-
dont lose touch, okay?

I learnt.
I learnt i should not blame,
should not condemn,
should see what i did before thinking about what others did,
should compromise,
should have more patience,
thank you, people.
A day never goes by when i dont learn, dont realise or re-live something precious from you.
I will work harder, as i believe all of us will, too.

addicted to you.

Help me mummy! i hate this creepy crawly buggy feeling!!
I cant get the images of those bloodied dead corpses outta my head!
*shiver*
well, if you're wondering what im talking about;
its about this morning,
my dad fetched me to school in his lorry,
he dropped me at the industrial park where i could simply be on my way.
But wait, i had to hop left right and halt so many times for the PAVEMENTS leading there were FULL of those things.
Yes. whats with the disgusting things? they're everywhere!!
and then theres more,
the live ones are gross enough,
do i have to witness their bloodied, mangled gristly deaths?
cmon, the corpses were strewn all over!
i couldnt bear the sight but i couldnt just close my eyes and end up falling down(ON THEM,ugh)
Ugh, thanks much cause i cant bring myself to swallow a bite of bread now. -__-
OK. enough talk on bugs.
-
today's mod's maths.
i dont know what am i doing in class, hahahah
well at least today will end early as about half or whoever's present wants to half ditch.
i finished my food meant for the whole day, sigh.
going out with eileen later, wonder how am i supposed to cope with the huge temptation kfc poses! =[
okay. tatas.

its been such a fickle thing to hold on to recently, why?
Time to shred that glass partition, but why is it so difficult to break?
emotional shit i am recently,
but thats because i dont know what's my purpose anymore.
what do i do, then?

-why's everything so confusing?
maybe im just out of my mind.

I need a huge revamp.
Like seriously.
Nothing was lucid these days,
even though i seem so preoccupied and busy,
i simply feel bleak and empty throughout.

My haggardness is taking over my lifestyle,
the feeling is such a dead weight.
i should stop falling alseep everywhere right?

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