“and here goes my story.”

September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 February 2013 June 2013 December 2013 January 2014

i dont know whats happening.
but it really hurts and i dont know why.
please, tell me it isnt gonna happen,
cause it will become too much for me to bear.

i feel very disorientated all of a sudden.
its like i dont know why am i here and what for.
i guess the absence of school is starting to grow on me.
-
so many questions, but i dont dare to voice it out,
so many doubts i harbour, they hurt.
or maybe its the pace of things, making all else so very humdrum.
well, i cant do anything much now except watch the time pass and hope that is happening is what i hope is,
i can stand anything else, though it would explain much more.
tell me, will ya?
-
chalet. im packing my stuffs now,
i have to wake up at 6 tmr and im not sleeping yet!
guess i wont be able to last through the night at the chalet already.=[
feeling kind of numb already.
i'll be back three days later for training camp!
goodnight!

im running out of it.
the same goes for my $$.
seems like whenever im in your proximity i lose track of both.
need to find some balance before disaster strikes,
in whatever form, there's still no chance of getting through it at all.
but i'll remember what you told me and cling to the hope that you meant it the way i want you to.
two more days to the chalet,
i haven't started packing,
then,
i'll be missing training tomorrow while i plump myself up at a buffet, ugh.
the dust seems to have settled in the wake of my last rendezvous,
mummy is much more allowing now,
i guess i have to maintain things the way they are now even though its so taxing.
but it was my responsibility in the first place, so im not complaining!
i bought new shoes today!
quite a bargain compared to the original price but other than that i find myself regretting terribly.
cause i dont really need them, and cause im spending over my allowance already~
i think i have only seven dollars left for the whole of next week,
lets see how i get through that.
well, thats all i think. ciaos!

just remenber, this too shall pass.
everything ends one day.

gosh, so long since i last updated,
i cant keep track of the days anymore anyway,
cause my days are turning in to nights and the nights arent seeing me sleeping no more.
training has been on and off,
i find myself starting to have negative thoughts towards it already.
how could i not? with all these things going on?
but i still try my best, i'll continue to do so no matter what happens.
well now my goals are in limbo and time is running out,
time to snap back into reality and focus on em'! heh.
-
this fire, keep it burning,
it took half of me to do so already.

i used to be alot more lively,
i got used to being dull,
i used to know everything around me,
i got used to blocking it out,
i used to try my best at everything,
i got used to giving up,
i used to create trouble incessantly,
i got used to being controlled,
i used to live my life,
i got used to watching in the sidelines,
i used to multi-task really well,
i got used to being lazy,
i used to think i was good,
i got used to being corrected.
too much,
you introvert.
-
training today was unreal,
the tiredness didnt really get to me only until the last part.
breakthroughs galore, though. =]
by this friday i'll perfect it. ♥
maybe i realy did snap a nerve, the one that detects pain. hah.
or i just got really used to blocking things out.
yeah, that should be the way, cause reality is sucha scare.
but i do really hate it when people plant doubts in my head,
cause they root themselves so deeply its almost real.

am so lazy nowadays.
i think im mastering the art of blocking out pain already,
externally and internally,
even if it means going to the far end to know something,
i wouldnt bat an eyelid to do so.
falling is hard, eh.
i still remember how i could hear the shatter,
the numbness that came afterwards,
then that steely resolve to find out.
well, i'll thank whoever and whatever who gets me through this,
though it aint possible.
so many things i dont reveal, yet.

fallen.

why'd i let myself get dragged into this?!
yes, i complicate things, but they are already so fucked up in the first place!
now i dont know and i dont wanna care.
but my mind wont stop pondering over it.
what do i do?

You should know, right?
-
training today, could do with much improvment in my part.
in this blink of an eye, four uts have passed,
i cant say that i would score really well but i will definitely pass... i think.
but i studied so hard! wellwell.
nothing much to say,
but theres this everything going on,
which is with my family.
i dont know what exactly,
but something bad's gonna happen soon and i'd better be prepared for it.
would my life come crashing down? i wonder.

Surprisingly, Im currently in mugging mode.

sometimes i cant stand myself.
i place people on a pedestal, and dont ever expect them to step down,
even for myself sometimes, i get really so upset when i feel intimidated, inferior, afraid.
now i dont know what to do with my life.
i need to talk to someone, but no such person exists.
sighs.

101th post.
i'll talk about you.
things happened recently.
i dont know how and what you've become already,
drawing near, drawing far.
i've decided, made my choice.
now its up to you to take down the blinds and get on with the show.
i may take every cm as a mile, but thats how i think of things.
so sorry.
imyewyrifom.
-
took my weight today,
i have to take away 2kg by next month!
what a seemingly impossible task, =[
second recruitment drive today,
not as many people came,
feel kinda guilty i couldnt get someone to come.
ah well.
had dinner (yet another unfulfilling one) with rexaz,
so happy cause it was just below my house.
but i could hardly concentrate on my food or anything,
so sad. maybe im the only one thinking you feel this way.
anw, im going to bathe.
byebye!

i know i usually spell wish as whish, it has always happened since.
oh i know,
i know all about me,
i know i love the ringing of church bells on the first of every month,
there's this spell about them, then it seems like the the world just stops to listen.
i know i love this magical time at around 7pm,as the fading light of the setting sun mingles with the lights of the lamposts, where the world seems to have a beautiful glow,
when i see the sight, i hear the laughter of children, running around playing.
i know, i know that whenever i get sick of life,
i take a break wandering around aimlessly, just walking and thinking,
my subconsciousness leads me then,
until it decides to snap out of itself i would have to go home from wherever i am, often than not surprised at how far i've come.
but thats just how i take a breather, get a hold of myself, organise my thoughts, making sure i am still myself.
i know, i can get up to very mischevious things, my ideas can hardly be considered boring, and i do get myself into prickly messes at times.
i know i love raisins,i practically snack on them from the container,i could polish the whole box in a few days,though the high sugar content's gonna kill me someday.
i know i hate drinking many things other than plain water, as the rest seems so corrupted, but things are changing already.
i know, i know i yearn to live in the countryside, away from such a hectic life, where i cant take occasional walks in the woods-and not the rainforest kind, run wild and free in the meadows, sitting on a hill and looking at the sunset over a range of mountains without a care in the world.
i know how much i love freedom, i want to fly,soar up and high into the blueblue sky, i envy birds alot sometimes.
i know, i know i have a high opinion of myself, but since when hadnt it been proven to me that i am much better than people? in terms of intellect, though- i generally consider myself to have a terrible character, but things are changing already, again.
i know, i know that once i start thinking about something, it just wouldnt get out of my mind, just like how i would suddenly fall for someone, he would dominate my everything, becoming more than half my world, if something changes, i would usually overreact.
i know how i am seen as oh-so-sensitive, yeah, but people would find it hard to understand these complicated inner workings of my mind- even me!
i know, i know that if i get serious about something, i would put all my heart into it, and then it always come out the way i know it will, this confidence, it'll wreck me someday.
i know, I KNOW I AM OUT OF TIME.
dont know why, i feel like im in one of the lena moods right now, too bad it had to be broken by training.
ah well.
to be continued. ciaos!

waiting eats patience.
-
slept at 5 plus, woke at 12,
slacked till 4, went out at 5,
food,inception,supper,home, =D

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