“and here goes my story.”

September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 February 2013 June 2013 December 2013 January 2014

Finally received my bursary,
as expected, faced with that sum of money only served to throw me in a state of total confusion.
I have utterly no idea what to do with it-
all the things i wanted and were planning suddenly became questionable.
I guess thats good in a way though..
I wouldn't be spending it all away very quickly -my mum says a month- nor worthlessly, right?
But 600's already gone, my dad's taking 500 from me and I repayed a debt of 100 to my cousin.
oh well.
I should clear my head and get a good hold on life before I touch much of the money I guess- small portions are gonna be used to sustain my meals. I can finally eat whenever, whatever, as much as I like! wheeeee!
I am not content with my allowance of twelve dollars per day. :X
seriously, at this rate im gonna finish it in less than four months. I mean it.
okay, I shall leave my head to clear right now.
I havent been a person to mess with recently, I guess im spoilt, badly.
By myself, if that is even possible.
I cant handle people, as usual, but right now I get infuriated so damn easily when my expectations are let down.
I pretty much expect things to be perfect.
No good, no good at all and i know it myself.
Wait, I am grateful for all i have and stuff, but i am always yearning for more, you know?
I am so used to being accompanied by people I can't stand being left alone.
I get so used to the present I end up not trying, just for the convienience.
okay that was out of point. But whatever.
So it boils down to the same old thing, doesnt it?
I need a goddamn direction, but I am not in any way motivated to try for it even when I get one, because I have things i wanna accomplish,
but the push for me to put in effort for it just dosent exist.
hahaha, im living such contradiction.
but i was pushed off course, wasnt i?
I used to have my own set of principles, goals,
but they're all trampled and shot down by society now.
I do not understand what do you want from me. I do not.

I cant blame anyone, I cant do anything about it,
I know i should not wallow in this well because its gonna do me no good,
I'll be forever repeating the same old things .
I thought i was through, but i am proven to be false time and again.
I recoil in fear, whenever I am faced with something foreign to what I am living with now.
I know i've said these so many times, but I dont leave my comfort zone, this well protects me from them,
Im in here, biding my time, not knowing the things I can do or not do.
Now, look what you've all done.
Can you hear me? I need to break through, now.
I need to peel off this suffocating layer of fear you've painted all over me.
-

On a brighter note,
Im in school right now.
Looking at the past,
dont get me wrong, I am grateful for the present.
Its my future im worried about, like i said. ha!
My boy is going bonkers over his assignment that's supposed to be due today,
so I promised not to disturb him at all, even though I am extremely unwilling,
we even ended up pissed at each other but okay fine Im done ranting.
I shall complete my work now, somehow i ended up here when i was actually supposed to do my school work, :X
did i mention i completely missed an individual assignment?
not knowing was bliss for me- until i found out. I feel like a moron now.
haha! okay but its already over so whatever. serve me right for not putting attention on schoolwork at all.
I guess next stop's home for me.
because i am really an anti-social - point brought across bigtime!
I really admire someone, suddenly, now that i am so far away i see.
doing and saying the right tings at the right time, with a enviable humorous and gold personality, plus an awesome fashion sense, how'd she accomplish that feat?
to think that i've been said to be a clone of her. pfft.
they say you cant please anyone, but,
i honestly dont see anyone with negative feelings towards her!
In my case it is reversely true, meaning i offend more than i please. LOL.
failure ttm right, tyvm i know it too.
okay, back to my work and then home,
bye to the dust thats reading these, because noone does!

Staying at home, eating, and sleeping, then sleeping then eating and in this neverending cycle,
I realised I am so without an aim.. :(
for instance, I don't have any aspirations or whatnot,
I can't summon the strength to go for them if they appear, either.
I don't know why, but life kinda lost some meaning.
I mean, everything's going well, work, school, relationships, family.
Oh wait. My social life.
It's a complete blank, haa.
What am I waiting for?
I don't know, I simply can't bring myself to speak out or throw in some initiative to save myself.
But actually, I did bring it all on myself,
Isolating myself to one part, and when I left I left all of them at once.
Smart, arent I? Noone told me that I had to make reserves.
All I wanted was exclusivity. I guess that don't work in the world now.
sigh. How I hate society, hated, hate and always will I guess.
Its like everyone's hiding a big secret from me, kinda like fashion too..
How'd you individuals make it look so simple to you when I don't even get the gist of it?
when I go my way I get scoffed at. wtf.
But theres really nothing much I can do about it, can't I? Im living here right now, know.
But when I feel everything is going well without effort, I feel upset because I don't feel anything, but when I feel something's missing, I obviously feel upset too. I get it, im looking for a sense of accomplishment. Something I haven't gotten to savour in a long time.
Looking at my good results didnt give me no kick, because I didn't put in a trace of effort for them. But I cant get my damn butt up to work for them.
It seems I don't really get myself either.
Where's that push I need.. :/

This is a utterly random blog post i decided to write
just because I have to wait ofr my hair to dry before I can sleep.
I'm tired! slept my way back home, even when standing on the train LOL
my wong is out.. :(
playing lan with his friends.. bother..
I hate games for stealing my attention away! >:/
Anyway I just ate some chicken rice that had started to turn sour.
so if wake up in the middle of the night with an upset tummy I wouldn't be surprised. :/
Today school was okay, I got a surprising surprising surprise! HAHA.
like totally, because this sem's UTs arent moderated,
so I can't fog through my test and sit by hoping everyone else did the same..
But, I scored! Except for one UT which I didn't attend..
boohoo everyone said it was easy..
okay so anyway they were saying I always skip school because I study at home.
haha! nuh, people close to me would know.
okay only one.
and that one falls asleep 5mins into me teaching him accounting.
blah.
alright, I hope Ut2 would, if possible, show better results!
I seriously doubt it though.. I've been missing loads of lessons! :S
...
I went home after going to my workplace, damnn..
forgot to bring my shoe. I know i am getting dumber.
It aint pleasing me either.
Offended my manager i guess.
made laughing stock by the staff too.
He thinks I'm gonna stop working, which is pretty true.
sigh. I like this job, but things are so awkward alr la. :/
watsted like 6 dollars on transport today.
I topped up ten bucks using stray shilling and small notes.
still, it rendered me completely broke..
thank god i got some rice getting sourer by the second at home waiting for me, Not.
And I just located the source of my pain in the throat!
Its an ulcer, a pretty big one now since it started out three days ago, nestled comfortably at the back of my throat.
Gaaaaaaah!
Its a bad sign its a bad signn! I'm dying soon of throat cancer.
ktxbai

July.
I'm tired and aching from the weekend I had.
work, work, then our big day!
heh.
It was a surprise definitely, the walk to mbs( i saw rosebullet! :O), then the trip to take the singapore flyer.
Before that was the search for ssc that brought us to sakae sushi.. :/
I'm so spoilt by him I get pissed so easily! But the wongwong song is my remedy, haha!
i think what my fortune teller told me was true, that i put people up on a pedestal and never expect them to step down, else i'll be greatly disappointed.
Tsk. I should work on it i know! The people closest to me get my lash the hardest,
wong being the most pitiful. :(
so i've decided to change! no matter what, hah!
and speaking of changing, my hairstyle and makeup need to change, big time!
School sucks today, cause I feel so tired and brain deadd..
theres ktv later on and a sneak dinner to malaysia, :P
I got a feeling imma partial. hoho!

Today, is one of the worst days of my life.
I officially turned stupid.
I am horrified at the things i did today.
The clumsiness and the dumb retarded mistakes.
I am exhausted, not so physically but in my mind.
this is fucking weird.
Im dying knowing im turning stupid.
fml. save me.

Will revamp this thing and start blogging more once I get my camera!
I am determined to get a slr at least, aaaand start dolling up! hee.
Life's too short for me to wallow in whatever sorrows.
I've got the world to account to now!
I will not allow myself to let go of anything I have now.
I'll cherish it more everyday yoh.
:)
i started working btw! not very good pay, but whatever!

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