Of Flowers and Honey Bees.

“and here goes my story.”

Aug 29, 2012 || 2:13 PM

Seriously, you got to hit harder than that to leave me something more than a bruise. But I'll just revel in your attention for now shan't I?
I am working pretty hard, admittedly not a hundred lucid percent, but that's just uncontrollable.
Sleeping enough these days rendered redbull completely useless but my mind still feels woozy with intermittent dizzy spells, damnn.
And i'm very broke righ now, I've been eating sooo much into my savings, can't wait till internship comes so i'll get some income, wait, I don't want internship to come so soon, life's gonna suck when it does. or will it?
Yeah I'm spewing all my incoherent thoughts all over the place i don't care.
Sigh, had this stupid nightmare last night that felt sooo... real. Dreamt of being rejected, and the scenes kinda mixed with yesterday and I don't know which parts are real or not. Anyone can be strong physically, all they have to do is train up and let nature take its course. but mentally, how do you define being strong there? You launch me an assault of a hundred bullets and I may be able to shun them or take a few hits, but throw me a few mindfucks and see me collapse down on the ground screaming in agony. I don't want to be that way, but I can't really help it can't i? Mind, you've been my maker, but you're my destroyer too.. :\

. Scribbled at 2:13 PM |

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Aug 20, 2012 || 1:20 AM

Self-control. The only thing that I have no idea whether I have alot of, or scarcely none at all.

maybe its this lack of it that's got me wavering for so many weeks on end,

or maybe its because I have this huuuge amount of it that I haven't got swept away already.

All I know is that I'm being torn apart and I have absolutely no idea what to do, so this cognitive dissonance is gonna kill me gradually till I find a solution to it. Nothing feels right without huge consequences and repercussions.

I'm lost, and trapped like a bird stuck in a net. It's simply a matter of time before I'm taken away by the hunter, or die of thirst and hunger being stuck for too long.

On a more comprehensive note, today was our first perf with legacy, the whole day turned out to be pretty 'meh', so many things we didn't expect, and I'm disappointed at my incompetence and complacency. But what's happened has happened, I believe everyone sort of learnt a lesson too. Don't worry about me, I'll just come back stronger after I fall. :)

But it was the most horrible experience for me(esp on my conscience) to perform with scaled-down stunts just because I wasn't competent enough thou, especially when you know that it is what you really really want and gave it all you got. I honestly feel this rarely in my life, and it is really mixing badly with my sky-high ego, haha.

And argh, I don't bruise easily, but its the first time in my life I have so many bruises man, all over my body! abrasions, blood clots, blue-blacks and the like. Felt so dizzy and had serious vertigo too many times today, all since that knock on my head! :( sigh. It really sucks to know you aren't as strong as you thought you were..

They (*amended because reasons) were there too, saw so many familiar faces, but unfamiliar expressions on them. Sort of cutting, don't you think so? I hold nothing against all that have been said in the past nor in the recent even, yes i know most of them, but don't worry, most of them are so untrue that time will prove you wrong in itself.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can't touch me. heh

And next, my diet. I really need to reach the tomorrow in 'I will start dieting tmr' sometime. :/ damn!

. Scribbled at 1:20 AM |

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Aug 8, 2012 || 11:01 AM

No cmon don't you break down just yet, so many more larger harder challenges oncoming and you know you're excited to face em conquer em, you'll just miss them if you keep your eyes closed in fear babe.

you wanna let them know, that they broke you down so quick so simply like snapping a twig when you're the size of a tree trunk? you're much much bigger, you're so sturdy, they may cut you saw you down but they can't break your heart nor touch your soul.

yeah step right back up, one push at you you'd better take one step or none backward, cause you're still gonna run and restart always, even when you're forced to stop you push through grit your teeth and break through, clear your mind and start again, find your feet and jump again.

but and know that everytime you break through you showed them this is what can't break you and you're stronger than the last challenge.

You can feel the burn, but don't let it in, hear the shouts, but don't listen to em, taste the fear, cause when you're over it, triumph comes in all its glory. hee, so gonna show you what I got. :)

. Scribbled at 11:01 AM |

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Aug 5, 2012 || 3:29 PM

Life has been so confusing lately..

things haven't been going smoothly, well at least not very very badly, but its something that's missing,

something's wrong with my mind, and its gonna screw my whole life up if I follow my heart.

sigh.

. Scribbled at 3:29 PM |

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