Haven't been updating for months though I have been and will continue to be on the laptop practically 9 hours everyday. whuuuuut izz up...

I'll tell you what's up.

I'm still stuck in 2012.

for real.

No new year resolutions,

set a few minor ones and set some huge ones that i'm supposed do, just for the sake of it.

& I've been acting on none of them, not a single freaking one.

On the contrary, I've been acting the exact opposite. Its as if I'm trying to be an absolute asshole to myself and overthrow all my aspirations. oh yes, aspirations. If the aforementioned alter ego exists, she sure succeeded.

See me three months ago, see me now.

absolutely no increase in anything except for loser-ishness. Everything else decreased. and I mean seriously literally everything. well, maybe except for my weight. what the bloody fuck is wrong with that.

 I might just be the only person on earth whose food intake is indirectly proportional to weight gain. and willpower inversely proportional to success rate. so now I try lose a few kg and drive myself hopping crazy with an obsession of food to boot.

I can safely say, right now. Nothing on earth can compare to food. Not cheer, not boyfriend, not even books.

Its as if my loosely set new year resolution to lose weight drove my alter ego on hyper alert mode and injected me with this disease where I will for not one single fucking minute or second of the day NOT think about food. Now everything in the world seems edible. I'll literally store any food like a crazed squirrel.

I'm serious. I even ate beef balls yesterday.

I usually get nauseous even smelling it from ten feet away. wtf. what the fucking fuck.

  and that's not even the whole story.

The stress. the mind numbing poke-a-fork-in-my-head-and twist-my-brains-like-spaghetti stress.

I can't even start on that.

When I don't eat I think about eating ALL THE TIME, but when I eat I get so guilty and stressed and wanna run off the cliff and smash my godforsaken frame on the rocks.

Every single fucking day is a mental breakdown. I am bipolar and crazed and prone to go into hysterical mania when it comes to food, even boyfriend realized. I would analyze what other people eat and obsess about calories and portions and timings and the nutrition and labels and proteins and fats and still end up eating more than I would on a normal freaking day because my body's like, Wow, you're gonna control your food intake now? you sure you gonna give up this food? or that? Or all these? and then promptly go into perpetual hunger mode where I am NEVER full no matter how much I eat. My alter ego simply cut off my I'm-full and I'm-damn-full-can-you-stop-asking-me-to-eat and Look-at-your-darn-tummy-its-tripling-in-size-stop-EATING signals sending nerve. Shredded them to atoms more like it.

 As a result, here comes the spectacular food binges. So I'm like, I shall not eat those pineapple tarts. Then my brain does a double take; you're sure? And posts a mental picture of how it tastes like until I cant even walk straight and I end up stuffing ten into my mouth. and then feel so godawful guilty that I can't even.. I am not not not kidding!

Can you feel my torture? I can't get out of it, I don't know how on earth am I gonna get out of it. As long as I think about food at all it will all start over.

Oh and you may say I excercise alot and blah blah will burn it off blah blah blah.

I, Lena ng, have gotten so lazy, I don't even bother to get off that hypothetical couch to pick up the hypothetical gloves to freaking hypothetically dig up my motivation and all related things that fueled me to do my personal PT in the very distant past. That's how bad I am. I don't know what happened.

Compare me three months ago, I am fat, completely grey and discolored and with rotten teeth and wispy half-fallen hair now. Just picture it. or don't.

And you'll know by now. The past me will never write such things. I had much more confidence. C'mon. It shows. in everything i've been doing. Even things I've been most confident in I'll be like, what if this happens? and I get very afraid to do it. Well, I suspect my alter ego also shredded all my other nerves, perhaps even my keep-yourself-sane and I-love-myself ones. She's totally like, why not do it in a package?

 yeah, wtf is right.