“and here goes my story.”
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Dec 4, 2013 || 11:18 AM
Getting agitated at small things, overly concerned and apologetic over small mistakes and commiting alot of blunders left right centre, no idea what to do. confused and holding everything back. Literally being blown about by the winds, how am I to make a rational decision this way?
The job interview i cancelled? Going to it later today, got a super last minute call that stopped what every plan I had wtf. plus, I'm working later?
. Scribbled at 11:18 AM |
Dec 3, 2013 || 12:15 PM
December 3, my dream was... a simple sign that i'm waiting for things to happen. -.-
how do you decide that something is what you wanna do for life?
what if you suddenly regret your decision? I've got so many things i wanna do, that they are all pild up in a bottleneck and getting in the way of one another, that I'm left at a loss and sit here everyday contemplating and busting my brains thinking of a way out. I know I shouldnt be doing this, but this rut i'm stuck in, somehow became my comfort zone. As with the habit of turning to food, I'm the perfect epitome of 'emotional eating'
And well,non-emotional eating included in the package.. gah.
will go for a run today, I don't care. slept so late yesterday but woke up a few hours after, I need to be getting more sleep...
. Scribbled at 12:15 PM |
Back to (part time) work
Dec 2, 2013 || 1:56 PM
Spent a good half of my day doing nothing but eating, and dreading the tasks I have to do ahead of me, and actually cancelling one of them- the job interview.
Said i'd collect my wallet at 12pm but I'm still at home now, prolly gonna reach at 3-4pm wtf. Then i'll head down to JZ to work. Till closing. Ain't looking forward to it, because all i can imagine is people looking at me judging me(I dont even know for what?) and because I'll be sleeping late and I hate the prospect that so much food is around me i'll have difficulty controlling again. Well, in any case its the same at home.
Yes I'm pretty messed up.
I need to go for a run tomorrow, seriously.
its been going round and round in my head, why i'm avoiding all possible human contact.. what would I say if someone asked me 'are you ok?' 'what are you doing now?' 'What are you gonna do in the future?' I have no idea what to answer to all of that, at all. Its true, i've been asked that so many times the last week, and every single time, its a completely different answer, I even managed to confuse my colleagues on what I'll be doing after I leave work, as the answers were so varied and different, they became suspicious, and that simply resulted in alot more questions.. I haven't sorted it out in my head, how am I gonna reply? And I would be afraid that if I attempt to do so, an overwhelming torrent of words will come out because the reasons are so tangled together, I cant say something without the entire truth spilling out. And what is the truth?
. Scribbled at 1:56 PM |
December
Dec 1, 2013 || 9:01 PM
Ended my full time job and decided that i'm gonna work on myself this month. I don't know what the hell am I doing,or have been doing this past year.
It's time I stopped hating, abusing this body and life i'm leading, and move somewhere, anywhere..
It's the First of december, 2013.
These past few months, I have been spiraling downwards, till someone(a bloody shrink, yes.) adruptly opened my eyes and all of a sudden I found that I had gradually descended into such a dark and desolate place, I wonder how I even stayed here unknowingly for such a period of time. But after thinking it through, its was not much of a surprise, for something like this to happen to me, was simply inconceivable - due to my ego and what i don't know.
I feel like I have no sense of the passing of time at all, looking at the world through a wall of glass, and right now december is merely a name for this time period i'm in. although it pretty much signifies that I've not completed any of my goals, and that time is really running short, and that i'd have been treading on this planet for a full 20 years soon, I can't bring myself to feel, or care, about anything at all.
The last time I remember feeling something at all, it was in September? Its all so numb, I've never felt like this before. And try as i might, I cant make myself view life with a positive outlook, because right now, all i can picture in front of me is so bleak and grey, it seems like i'm gradually walking towards the edge of a endlessly deep chasm, and when I fall in, I am sure to lose all hope of ever resurfacing. Run as I might, every step, every move I make, every short burst of strength that's all I can manage right now, to bring me away from this, somehow just makes me end up closer and closer to the edge each time, my efforts shattered to smithereens, mostly by the work of no other but my own hands. I do not know why or how I got here, but may this be a start, for me to speak and record. To lay out the confusion and mess I've gotten tangled in.
I will start by clearing my life up, brushing the dusty corners, discarding anything nonessential, and basically shedding this old skin that has already rotted away on me..
ran a 10K at standard chartered today,
lost my wallet but a kind bus uncle is gonna return it to me tomorrow, thank god.
part time job mon-fri on all days, I seriously wanted to sleep early... what am I doing?
. Scribbled at 9:01 PM |
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