i officially name myself as the most buddha-like person in the world.

well,temperament-wise at least.(no not the ears!!=[[ )

CAUSE I SERIOUSLY NEED IT AND MUCH MUCH MORE TO KEEP ON ENDURING!

Enduring what? you ask.

oh,nothing much.

just stuffs in work and my family.

Especially the latter, i would like to add.

i dont want to complain, cause it reminds me of being like somebody.

who is the source of my problems.

and with parents like mine who dosent want additional trouble(trouble?or responsibility?) from anywhere,

they simply gloss over everything.

even when the most ludicrous facts are presented to them right before their very eyes,

they just treat it like it was a passing breeze.

so what do i do?

its been months.

yes,i'd admit that i lose my do hold on this barrel of mine.

but can anyone understand its all gonna get to a irreversible point someday.

no.they only wish to wait it out and hope that things turn out to be fine like what i am now.

they're wrong.

DEAD wrong.(we've been brought up different, Big-Time ,for mary's sake!)

you know why?

cause this barrel of hers could only entertain this one grain before it ignites another roaring frenzy.

with me straight in the path, nonetheless.

i could understand that,i mean, where else can she vent?

things i long to do, i hold back,

even to the very last of my strength,which is running so low its starting to hurt already.

yet she dosent care.no, she could just leave,she believes that.and they arent doing anything to correct her either,even when they tell me that they will do something about it.come on,if the words you speak equals to waving arms at a fly to chase it away,please inform me throughly on which should i heed and which should i take as one of the above; easily said, easily forgotten. i understand tht she dosent understand.these invaluable assets ; loving, cherishing and caring do not exist in her life, neither in her vocabulary.if they did, it is in ant portions that are easily overlooked.

i cannot think of an end to the events these few years.they are already startlingly innumerable.Yet no one is to blame.it is the way she has been brought up.

they dont understand.it is now or never.it WILL become irreversible.

oh she really could leave,

when she does, my parents dont do anything.thinking its just another storm that would blow itself out quickly.yes she is safe, since it is a relative and the location is relatively close.

but are all these morally right?

do i have the right to question these nagging feelings i get?

i do not want to feel that way.

i have no right to be jealous or obstinate or throwing tantrums,

do i?

well look,they dont feel anything, it dosent mean i wont.

not when i am caught in the centre of it, no.

they think i should give in (is that word even appropriate?!)

they tell me that everytime when i run to them crying.

and boy do i heed their advice.

sure it douses the fire quick,

but the searing pain everytime isn't forgotten.no.

so i say.

why even create a family when you let us and yourselves suffer too?

is it pure ignorance?i cant stand it any longer.i need help.now.oh god

its not about me, no, it includes me and everyone around me.

we're all bound to get affected somehow,

we're supposed to cherish and love generously,

but somehow things aren't going right,

is this the way a normal family would function?

is this how we have to live?

not in harmony,but simply putting up with one another for the sake of a roof over our heads,

is that what we are supposed to do now then?

i cant be holding out this long,

not that i don't want to,

its the only thing that's keeping me there,

i really cant.

yes i know, they care,

oh,they do it in like heaps and stacks,

and i do feel grateful for that.

but i cant help but spot those gaping holes in our relationships.

am i dealing with a malfuntioning family?

no words can describe these feelings that i am going through these days.

its just like something's furiously tearing away at me,

why am i holding out then, i ask myself,

i think the answer is love.i do not understand it,i shun it,

but since it hurts so,(oh boy it does so harrowingly!)

i cannot dismiss its presence..right?

someone please put an end to this.

i do not wish to wait it out.