Yesterday, le random wild thought appeared in my head that I may be a tad anti-social..

Only until recently when I had to explain a lot of whatever I meant I said then I realized most of the time people were not following my train of thoughts. 

And that, of course, can only stem from me not expressing myself enough. 

Often than not, I hold conversations and silently rebuke people in my head and somehow my brain convinced itself that I had actually talked a lot. Well, so technically I did socialize.. in my head.

-

He told me:  Nope, quite quiet.

Me:  But you always tell me I irritate you!

Him:  Yeah, you're very noisy in front of me, but you're not that outgoing elsewhere.

Me:  What about me compared to *a few girls* then? who's quieter??

He went:  They are not considered quiet at all?!

..

And that got me thinking.

Well, I'll admit I don't feel the need for socializing- that's my explanation to people who have thousands of fb friends and hundreds of twitter followers and are constantly texting/FB-ing/tweeting- and I don't feel like joining lame conversations (which constitutes 90% of all conversations, really, I see no point.) 

and small talk..(U mad?)

I honestly wonder how these people do it. I'd start getting worried that i'll get awkward moments not knowing what to say and offending people or all that bullshit if I acted like them. Not that it didn't happen before, because half the conversation was done in my mind. And even if I do get by doing it, I'll prolly start to chide myself for being fake all the time. 

I thought I did it once. But I had to pull myself under again. all in a year's work.

But as bf tells me, if you don't conform to society, they will naturally expel you, its a fact of life - I was lamenting on the fact that I couldn't behave/dress/talk as I wished around everybody, and we almost got into an big argument on that. Well okay it happened once.

Oh seriously, why haven't I come to a conclusion(or in the least, acceptance) on why are things like this? I know there's two sides to everything, and there will always be someone who doesn't like what you do/judges you/whatever. 

It's real fucked up, especially when you see people being all chatty and social then it makes you wonder, how does it feel? 

Knowing that half the faces around you are probably masks and more plastic than barbie?(by plastic i mean fake, not surgery.) No, I do not like it at all. 

I know a few individuals that are always surrounded with people, different people everyday in fact, but behind their backs their 'close' friends are always talking and bitching, or simply forgetting about them entirely. I don't know which is worse.

But I don't know whether if its just them being thick skinned and fogging through it all, or they are really that blissfully unaware of the backstabbing going on.

Maybe, maybe its all that paranoia that's leading me on. But well, it didn't turn me into a dumbass foreveralone either.

 I get my fair share of haters- minus the friends, and how did that come about? I wonder.

because there will always be few groups of people that despise me for whatever reasons they think.

Oh and wait, maybe it's all in my mind too. Ha!

And then comes the problem about attention. and values, and principles..

I'll start on the attention part. 

Well, I reasoned that people who are in ten social circles at once,who spends every waking minute texting or yakking away, feeds on attention. They literally need it, they need to know that they will not be missed if they happen to be abducted by aliens or mandatory turned into a ninja.

Well that's what I generalized, and then I had to go apply it to myself. Ha.

As I said, I'd feel I let myself down if i get all chatty and fake around people, and I might even get disgusted at myself. C'mon, I've seen enough of two-faced people, i'd be letting my conscience down if i turned into one of them too, right? And i can't do it even if i wanted to, I just don't know what to say.

Then, my values, I guess that's the real problem maker, Well, I generally treat people as friends only when we get really close, like constantly talking and knowing the exact shit the other person is thinking.

 and the moment the event arises when I have a reason to hesitate dialing his/her number, they are no longer classified under 'friends'. see the stupid bar that's set so high?

And yes, I do have Bffs, for real. All from my secondary school days.

 We started out unkindly but circumstances and commitment stuck us together, and they officially breached the wall and passed into my threshold of 'friends forever' -whatever you call that. We went for 7 months without contacting each other at all, but when we did it was like nothing changed at all, time simply didn't put a space between us. 

I know this person will be in my life then, no matter what I do or say, no matter what I become,(trust me, I'd been through some funny phases. lol!) and she's the one who I'll never judge, no matter what she does or how bitchy she is.

And the part on circumstances? yes. I find no reason to talk to a person unless circumstances puts us together. And I tend to talk only when the need arises, yeah, that'll make me really outgoing.. NOT. 

There was an incident, those few blissful hours where I thought I found a kindred spirit within my poly life. After a year and a half together, after spilling stuff to each other, I thought; yes, I found another one, I can count on her. But it had to go all awry and as circumstances put it, we didn't talk anymore.

Oh, and the circumstances now? 

an all-girls class, a protective boyfriend who gives me all the time i want, (Almost. rah!), coupled with the fact I isolated myself to a group of friends in year one and got cut off clean after that? Its all not looking so awesome.

Wow, I can go on forever.. This post was supposed to be a paragraph short, but.. look what we have here! 

Gawd. How do i figure this out?!

Tis' frustrating.
But at least there are still cute things in the world to take your mind off things..